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Well, I'm new here and uncertain about what I am. I don't see men the way I see women. I definitely like women, but the question is, do I also like men?? Sometimes I imagine being a woman and being fucked by a man. I get turned on just typing this. I have had gay experiences when I was a kid/youth, but nothing special. I also don't know what anal sex is supposed to feel like. Would I enjoy it, or would I regret it for the rest of my life?? Would my self-image be damaged? I can't imagine that the girls/women I've been with would have accepted me if they knew about my "desires". I have had these homosexual thoughts for a very long time. Sometimes when I see a good-looking man he sort of drives me crazy, but this feeling subsides within a couple of days.

For example, when I was still in school there was this good-looking guy. I looked at him and felt "weird". I knew it was because of his looks. But I don't think I wanted to be sexual with him. When I see an attractive woman, however, I do want to be intimate with her on some level. At least I can imagine being so.

I was at the hospital a couple of years ago and this new patient came into my room. We looked at each other for what I felt was longer than usual and I felt like he looked almost at the bottom of my soul. I thought he could see that I was sort of attracted to him, just because of the way he looked at me. I sometimes fantasize about this guy. He wasn't muscular or anything, but he was older than me. Much older. He was almost the type of man I could have imagined having sexual experiences with.

Many times I think that I just want to cuddle with an older man, a man where I feel sheltered. Maybe I even want to kiss him and more, I don't know. I'm almost certain that I want to explore. My father was always very strict with me and he wasn't around for very long, so maybe that's why I want to explore what it feels like to be with an older man. Being close to one, I mean.

What I fear is that men would want to exploit me sexually. I can be pretty weak-willed. I fear that I would give in to sex too easily and feel like I'm being raped. I hope that there are some good gay/bisexual men out there who respect other people's boundaries and who don't just want to have sex!

That's it for now. I'm pretty sure I'll write more or edit this entry later on. It felt kinda good to write all this.