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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Still, I really couldn't understand what all the fussing was about; a guy was either hung like a horse or he wasn't. I'd often hear the adults razzing each other about the size of their dicks, too, and if we all thought we could be vicious and cruel picking on each other about this, we weren't even rookies compared to what the adult men could and would say about each other's cocks.

Which would often make me wonder how they knew who had a big one and who didn't - hmm. I mean, um, I knew how I knew and it didn't take a whole lot of thinking to figure out how they knew; it really exposed me to the hypocrisy in all of this to figure out that the only way they had such knowledge about each other's dick was they were seeing them and doing something with them... while raising all kinds of hell about all the queers and faggots running around all over the place.

And the riffing over cock size just never stopped. You'd hit on a girl for some pussy and the first thing she'd want to know was how big your dick was or while you were hitting on them, they'd be staring at your crotch and if they said okay, chances were they didn't agree because of your sparkling personality: It was because you had a big dick or, sometimes, it was deemed small enough not to cause them any "problems." At this time, guys weren't so much asking ahead of time about how big or small your dick was. No - they'd wait until the dicks came out and then be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised - and then that pecking order I mentioned might come into play: If your dick was smaller than his, you were going to be the girl, no questions asked, and it was non-negotiable. The bigger guy wasn't going to suck your dick and he sure as hell wasn't going to let you fuck him. Some guys still very much preferred smaller dicks to suck and to have in their ass while many more took up the mantra of, "the bigger, the better!"

Women kinda took a step to the side on this issue and with many saying, "It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean;" many would tell me of being with guys with huge dicks and they lacked the skill and finesse to use them in a way they'd find pleasing. "At least guys with small dicks try harder to please," one girl told me. As I grew into my body more and more, it was a pain to find myself being judged and otherwise deemed worthy - or not - and based on the size of my dick. I was either too big and too fat or not big or fat enough for either guys or gals... and it just fucking annoyed the shit out of me; really, what fucking difference did it make?

Apparently, a whole lot of difference... both way back then and now. I'd learn that bigger, fatter dicks would go a long way to insure that a woman could get pregnant. A longer dick would put the sperm closer to where it needed to be for conception and a fatter one would act like a plug to make sure the sperm stayed in there for as long as possible. I'd learn about the amazing flexibility of a vagina - after all, eight pound babies come out of there and just knowing that would often make me - and a lot of other guys - feel very inadequate. Girls, it seemed, liked having their pussies stretched as wide as possible while others found it difficult dealing with having a big, fat dick roaming around in their pussy and making sex more uncomfortable than pleasurable.

Guys weren't all that different, it turned out. Pretty annoying to slide your dick into a guy's ass... and he complains about not feeling it going in... and just as annoying to slide your dick into a guy's ass... and he starts yelling and screaming like you're trying to kill him and literally rip his asshole apart. Being a guy with a smallish dick? I'd feel sorry for those guys knowing that both guys and gals would summarily dismiss and reject them for their lack of size and/or girth. Imagine, if you will, what it's like to have eight inches of dick (and as I do) and being told that you're not big enough for them or, sometimes, being told that you're too big.

It still annoys the shit out of me. I came to understand that this "bigger is better" crap has been around since forever even though it's generally accepted by many that it's how you use it that makes the bigger difference. Women were, for a time, preferring smaller cocks and simply because the guys with the big - and really big - ones were using their dicks more like a weapon than an instrument of pleasure and that was something I could easily agree with given how many times I've had a guy with a very big dick using his dick in my ass like it was a jackhammer or trying to ram every inch of it down my throat and no matter how uncomfortable it was to me.

They say that size matters... and I learned the hard way that size is overrated. Whatever size you have, that's what you have... but do you know how to use what you have in order to bring the most pleasure? The mindset has always been that guys with smaller dicks are just incapable of delivering pleasurable sex and guys with bigger dicks are well-hung gods and that you're always going to be very happy with them being in your mouth and/or ass. And the annoying and very humiliating mindset that if your dick ain't big enough, you're not man enough to use it on anyone; among guys, you're now relegated to being the one sucking that big dick and feeling it spreading your butthole wide open. It's bad enough to have women diss you because you aren't able to wrap your dick around your waist a couple of times to keep from tripping over it... and just as bad when guys are of the same mind.

It shouldn't make a difference... yet it does. Cock size [B]still[/B] doesn't mean a damned thing to me and a guy can't really - or safely - do anything about what he was born with and, yeah - I've seen pictures of guys doing all kinds of shit to their dick to make them bigger and fatter... and who are now permanently deformed or their dicks just don't work at all. Does your dick work? Will it get hard? Okay - let's see what we can do with it! At one point, I got so sick and tired of listening to guys apologizing for their lack of size and trying to convince them that as far as I was concerned, it just did not matter if they were small or not; what was of greater import to me was is a guy willing to let me at it and use it. Desire, at least to me, means more than size or the lack thereof.


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[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]For a lot of us, it was bad enough that the girls would be picky about the size of the dick and I'd often be miffed to have a girl take one look at my cock - soft or hard - and say, "Nope - you ain't sticking that in me!" and now the best I could hope for was a blow or hand job and provided she wasn't too scared to do that. Guys with smaller dicks? They had a much harder time getting pussy; one girl I had fucked was telling me about the time she fucked one of the other guys and it hurt my feelings to hear her say, "When he stuck it in me, I couldn't even feel it and had to ask him if he really stuck it in!"[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Such... cruelty was often the reason why our numbers grew from the original ten to twenty "full time" guys, with a lot more who'd show up from time to time and usually when their lucky streak for getting pussy came to a screeching halt. Razzing each other about being too small or too big still went on but few of us were getting upset about it and the usual response was, "You didn't say that yesterday when we did it..." and we'd all laugh - then get down to the business at hand.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Those of us who weren't, um, partaking of adult dick would often be envious or jealous of those of us who were partaking. It was like a badge of honor to suck a grown-up dick or have it squeezed into your butt and, of course, getting treated to a whole lot of sperm and much more than our young balls were capable of producing. I know that I learned a lot about size; it wasn't always better - and as everyone was saying - but it would be challenging to suck on one or bear up under the greater pain and discomfort when it was going in my ass. For me, as long as I was getting some dick - and, um, the dick wasn't uncut - I was learning that how big or small it was didn't matter a whole lot. My peers would often fuss about someone's size or lack thereof and I'd sit and listen to them and act like I was paying attention when, in truth, I'd be sitting there wondering what they were fussing about... and fussing like most of the girls would be doing.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]But I was seeing more and more that guys were being very funny and particular about the size of the dick. Lines were being drawn with guys who preferred smaller dicks on one side and the guys who preferred bigger dicks on the other and with very few of us who, like me, didn't care how big or small it was as long as we got to have it in some way. Oddly enough, there wasn't much fussing about being circumcised or not other than razzing each other for having all that extra skin or not having it. Personally, I wouldn't suck an uncut dick but the guy could fuck me and, yeah, I'd often get razzed about that.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Even back in my youth and the debauchery I was up to my eyeballs in, guys would razz each other about the size and shape of their dick and yours was... smallish, you could look forward to being razzed pretty much all of the time. When our collective minds would crash - not fall - into the gutter, someone would inevitably start to pick on whoever in our group that was present had the smallest or funniest-looking dick and, often, it would be brutal and merciless, continuing on until the guy being picked on would be in tears... or ready to fight.

But like flipping a light off, all would be forgotten and forgiven; if we didn't understand a whole lot about this, we understood that no matter the size or shape, a dick could be sucked and fitted into just about any asshole. We even had a few guys who would beg off of being fucked if the dick was, to them, too big; if they didn't choose to be fucked, there were also the couple of guys who'd tell you, "Don't stick it in too far!"

Then find themselves being very uncomfortable when it would, indeed, get stuck in very far. Personally, I didn't know what those guys were thinking; telling someone not to stick it in too far was the same thing as saying stick it in as far as you can get it.

Of the original ten of us, myself and one other guy had the biggest, fattest dicks and, yes: All of us got measured; the other guy had me beat length-wise by a mere 1/8 of an inch - but I was fatter by at least 1/2 inch. So while the two of us never got razzed about being little, I know I got tired of being told I had a donkey dick or, in my junior high school days, that my dick was "double jointed." Penis envy was very much alive and well among us and it didn't make a lot of sense to me since if we were all born with different dicks, there wasn't anything we could do about it. When I was, oh, 11 or so, a pecking order emerged; guys with the smaller dicks were usually the ones spending a lot of time being the girl, from sucking dick to being fucked... while the guys with the bigger dicks (but not me or the other guy I mentioned) would use their size to break the fairness rule we had and say that because their dick was bigger, they didn't have to submit to sucking dick or being fucked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I’ve seen and/or have experienced both the good and the bad of it and along the way, even more questions that needed answers. While so many guys I knew had walked away from it, it was never an option for me. Morally wrong and sometimes more trouble than it was worth, it was like a drug or one of those habits one can pick up that, try as they may, they just can’t get rid of... and don’t really want to get rid of it.

Do you know what it’s like? To have your moral compass always at war with the way you’ve come to see how things really are and can be? To hear that little voice in your head, while sucking the cum out of some guy’s balls or feeling it being pumped into your butt - or you’re the one providing that pleasure for another guy - and it’s telling you that you shouldn’t be doing this and shouldn’t be having fun?

Do you know? And should you know? I really can’t say except it’s something one must find out for themselves. I can only speak to what this means to me, how it did irrevocably changed my life.

Because one day, 56 years ago, I tasted cock and sperm for the first time and became forever hooked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]From the moment, the instant, I first tasted dick I was hooked. I tasted sperm and it was curiously tasty and when I felt that same dick poking at my hole - and more sperm being squirted mostly between my cheeks, I knew that I was onto something that was just as exciting as finding out about girls and their pussies.

What I didn’t know, what I would eventually learn, was that I’d been introduced to something a lot of males find out about, that I really wasn’t the only one who thought that having sex with another guy was amazing and it made me... unique and special.

But I had questions... a lot of them. Not only did I need to know how and why something everyone said was so very bad felt so very good but I wondered if I was one of those homos, queers, or faggots I’d overhear older people talking about.

I didn’t feel like one and I didn’t look like one of those guys who were acting like girls - the only way you’d miss seeing them was if you were blind and couldn’t hear. Besides, I was now too busy literally being a kid with a new toy, learning more about sucking dicks and feeling them in my butt, with or without the baby making stuff girls were so afraid of.

Did I know this would change my life and pretty much everything I had learned... and permanently? I can’t honestly say that I did or even thought about it. What I did know is that I very much liked doing it to and with other guys. A bit less than I liked doing it to girls but, yeah, enjoyed it just the same. Couldn’t get enough of it.

And I was learning a lot more than how much fun it was to have sex with another guy. And in the 56 years since my first taste and feel, I remain hooked... and much more knowledgeable than I could have imagined way back then.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]My conversation with Kevin - and us blowing each other - was what got me thinking about more shit about not only my brother but brothers in general and where this is concerned which got me writing about it yesterday. People have always felt some kind of way about this and like I learned so many decades ago, it's frowned upon but it's also expected just as it's expected that, after x-amount of time, the experiment comes to an end and none of it ever happens again.

Ever. But the reality, as always, says something very different and more so when you consider that some guys find out about sex with other guys in their younger days and some find out when they're much older and, yeah, some find out in a way that we're happy to keep ignoring. To make my thoughts even more... ironic, I guess that's the word that fits, my protege and I were chatting yesterday and out of the blue, he asked me if I missed my brother. I felt that he asked me that because, last week, my mother died and when he had asked me how I was doing, I told him I was fine - I was just doing a lot of remembering and all that.

He made me laugh - and maybe on purpose - when he said that he wished that he had a brother and allowed that if he had, they just might have gotten into something together - and I allowed that maybe that would have happened, maybe it wouldn't have.

Before I left Kevin he said, "You are so real about this shit and I don't quite understand why you are."

I had shrugged and said, "Being real about it is the only way to be; anything else is just bullshit and being in denial about a fact of life that's just as real as anything can be. It's just that no one wants to know the truth of this; no one wants to believe that there are really no limits - or few of them - when it comes to people having sex and this? Brothers and even sisters doing each other? No different in reality but we are made to believe that it is. Not supposed to happen, of course... but it's never been said that it [B]can't [/B]happen because at the end of any damned day you wanna point to, it's about sex and the need to do it... and doing it with whoever wants to do it with you."

"It's the reality we don't want to see; it's the elephant in the room that's best ignored and like it's not standing right there. It just is what it has always been and what it continues to be."

"So you're saying that while me and my brother could blame it on the alcohol, what we did ain't nothing new, right?" he had asked.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. There's the whole right and wrong thing but it kinda begs the question that if you and your brother, after it was all said and done, felt it was the right thing to do - even under the influence - then can it really be so wrong? Most people would say it is... and a lot of people know it isn't because it's only wrong if you believe that it is."

And that's the reality of things. I'm just the guy who has the nerve to talk about it. Will Kevin and I get together again? Maybe and it wouldn't surprise me if/when he asks if we could. That, too, is the reality that many people just can't wrap their head around. Maybe Kevin will be more of a mind to really accept his son and grandsons' bisexuality - that's gonna be on him but after the events of the other day, I'm thinking he'll be more positive about things.

It's a part of life whether we agree with it or not. That's the reality.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]"What... what if he wants to do it again?" he asked.

"Are you really asking me what if [B]you[/B] want to do it again?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess...," he admitted.

"Then if you're okay with it and he is..." I said, letting the rest of the sentence trail off. "Look - I'm not saying that you or anyone should violate your principles - I'm just being real about this and I'll say it again: It happens and now it's a matter of what you think about it and what's gonna happen going forward. Like your son and grandsons, y'all are grown-assed men but I get it - you're worried about what someone else is gonna say about it and I'll tell you something about that: Other than me, who else knows it happened?"

"Nobody else," he said - then I saw the "light bulb" turn on over his head. "Oh - I see what you're saying!"

"Real-deal shit," I said. "It's a truth that no one ever wants to know about."

More silence while Kevin processed all of this and, yeah, it had me thinking about my brother and the opinions of others. While I was thinking about that, Kevin cleared his throat, getting my attention.

"So, um, look, um, damn - you wanna come to my place so we can blow each other?" he asked. "I don't know about you but talking about this shit got my dick hard and I noticed yours is, too!"

"Sure, why not?" I said - and off we went. It was fun and I didn't let the fact that he only had one day of experience at it and I didn't let the fact that I wasn't even thinking about him like that bother me all that much. After draining each other dry, I told him about me and my brother and he was moved by it and, as expected, told me he was sorry for my loss.

"I always thought that there was something about dudes getting with each other," he said. "You hear about it like all of the time but, damn, finding out my brother had always wanted to get with me? Why didn't he say something back then?"

"I dunno - maybe he thought you'd freak out or something," I said. "And if he had hit on you back then, do you think you would have went along with it?"

"I dunno," he said. "Damn... I missed out on something, didn't I?"

"Probably but it's a lot of water under the bridge, ain't it? Bring that dick over here..."[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]"Wow, okay," I said and I admit to being surprised; when he said it, I thought he was talking about some time back in the day.

"Ain't that some fucked up shit?" he asked.

"Others would think so but I wouldn't," I said truthfully. "What happened?"

Kevin went on to tell me that he and his brother had been hanging out - and talking about Kevin's son and his announcement - and they were drinking and talking about how things used to be. Kevin said that the next thing he knew, his brother just came right out and said that he had always wanted Kevin to suck his dick and that he had always wanted to suck Kevin's dick.

"That's some crazy-ass shit, huh?" he asked.

"No, not really," I said. "Some hair of the dog tends to bring out the truth sometimes."

Kevin told me that once he got over his shock he told his brother, "We should do it - fuck it, right?"

Then they did and I could tell that he was both troubled... and, um, excited.

"I don't believe we did that shit," he said, shaking his head.

"Lemme ask you this: Did you enjoy it?" I asked; he didn't even have to say that he did - the look on his face provided the answer so I said, "If you both enjoyed it, then it's not a problem... unless one of you makes it a problem."

"Doesn't that shock you?" he asked.

"Ha, over the years, nothing like this surprises or shocks me," I said. "Do you really think you're the only guy who has ever sucked his brother's dick?"

"You?" he asked and I just nodded. He said, "Damn... now I don't feel so bad about it."

"No point in that," I said. "It happened, you said you both enjoyed it - end of story."

"So I'm not really some kind of freak?" he asked.

"I wouldn't say you were," I said. "Sometimes, Kev, shit happens when it's supposed to."[/SIZE][/FONT]