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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]One day, my best friend, myself, and two other guys piled into my friend’s car and went looking for this killer party we’d heard about in Maryland. We found the place, joined the party, had a lot of fun and heard about another party that some folks were headed to so we decided to check it out.

And got lost. My stubborn friend refused to listen to us giving him directions and we were riding around in the “wilds of Maryland” for a long time and we just settled in and waited for him to admit he was lost and to ask one of us - or anyone - about getting back home.

We were all kinda buzzed and my friend, who was driving was less buzzed for obvious reasons but as we wandered all over the place the guy sitting next to me decided that to keep himself occupied, he was gonna suck my dick... except, he didn’t ask, didn’t bring it up quietly to me, and I didn’t even know he was into it.

To me, I’m sitting there fuming at my friend’s stubbornness one moment and the next, homie next to me is unzipping me and pulling out my dick... and I just let him do it. He muttered something and leaned over and started sucking me and making so much noise that the guy in the front seat turned around to see what was going on; I could see my friend looking in the rear view mirror to see as well.

I just shrugged and watched this guy, who I didn’t know all that well, sucking my dick with quite a bit of skill.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]A few days later, the ten of us were back hanging out and, again, bored silly even though, in reality, there were a lot of things we could have done and we talked about those things - and rejected all of them in favor of doing what we all wanted to do - it was just a question of how we were gonna do it this time.

Someone said, "Hey, let's see who can suck the most dick!" In retrospect, we were all cock suckers so this wouldn't be much of a contest as it sounded and to be fair, we all put a foot into a circle and in that time honored way, selected the guy who'd start the suck off...

And I got to be first and I was more than eager to once again suck the dicks of my friends. I sat down on one of the chairs that was already there and the first guy stepped forward, his dick already hard in anticipation and I went to work on him, enjoying the musky, salty, and kinda soapy taste of his dick in my mouth as he watched me sucking his dick until he came and, again being young and full of cum, he unloaded a lot of sperm into my mouth.

By the time I got to the fourth guy, my jaws were aching and I felt full; my stomach was rumbling in protest as number four shot his thick load into my mouth and I was kinda struggling to swallow it all but I managed to get it all down.

It just didn't stay there. Number five stepped forward and my stomach rebelled; I put my hand out to stop him from sticking his dick into my mouth, jumped up out of the chair, ran to the sink... and threw up all the sperm I'd swallowed and anything else I had in my stomach, too. It was ugly and it was like I wasn't going to stop throwing up but eventually, I got done, spent quite a bit of time rinsing my mouth out with water and once it stopped tasting like vomit, went right back to sucking dick even though, admittedly, my heart wasn't in it so much.

I finished off the last guy and they were patting me on my back and telling me how good I was sucking dick and I took in all the compliments while hoping they didn't pat my back hard enough to make me hurl again - but I didn't and, dutifully, took my place in line to be sucked off. Being one of the guys with a big dick, I took a bit of perverse pleasure to know that some of the guys were gonna have a hard time sucking my dick but it served them right for making me throw up all that delicious sperm.

By the time all ten of us had sucked every one off, eh, no one was in a mood to go around a second time and as we broke up to go home to eat - which I really didn't feel like doing - we again agreed to meet up later so we could spend some time fucking each other.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3] By the fourth guy, my jaws were achy and my butt was getting rather sore and, admittedly, the nasty thrill of it all was wearing off and while I could have begged off, well, that was something I knew I couldn't do. I lay under the fourth guy as he hammered his dick into me as hard as he could, jarring my body in some unpleasant ways and I could feel myself zoning out.

The fifth guy didn't bother with getting his dick sucked first - once the fourth guy creamed me and got up, number five plunged right in so hard and fast it took my breath away for a moment. I felt so... squishy back there and I could hear how obscene it sounded as he thrust into me for what seemed like forever before he added his jizz to the four loads I'd already had inside of me.

I dozed off while number six fucked me; I felt him slide in and the next thing I knew, he was getting up and telling how good my hole felt and I realized that I missed being fucked. Guys seven, eight, and nine went by in a blur that I barely noticed; I was literally beat down and tired even though, for the most part, all I did was lie there and take dicks in my mouth and ass. I was a sticky mess and got even messier when I finally got up and on my feet and all the spunk my body didn't absorb started flowing out of me, running down my legs and that didn't count the mess that was on the front of me from all the times my nuts emptied while being fucked.

And I was so happy and satisfied and so much that I didn't care about the mess or how sore and stretched out my butt hole felt. I stumbled over to the sink and started to clean myself up and to gulp down as much water as I could while getting my mind and body settled because I'd just been fucked by nine guys and now I was expected and required to take my place in the line and do some fucking.

The good thing is that at the age we all were, none of us had a problem getting it up repeatedly; if I tried to do that today, I would have quit after the second guy, let alone have anything left to fuck anyone with. But being literally young and full of cum worked that day as well as understanding that when I was lying there getting my hole beat up, it wasn't like it took a long time for those guys to fill my hole with cum.

It took maybe three hours before all ten of us had taken a turn sucking dick and being fucked and when it was all said and done, we were all lying around grinning like we stole something, insufferably pleased with our debauchery and, as it turned out, we got done with each other in enough time for everyone to head home for lunch and with the knowledge and promise that we were gonna meet back here and decide what we were gonna do for the rest of the day.

There was no question what we were gonna do.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Back in the younger days, we were some nasty motherfuckers; it seemed that once I had discovered the fun you could have with a dick, almost all of my friends did as well and we weren't shy about doing anything with each other and whenever we had a chance to. If there was a way a boy could do it to another boy, we did it and if there was more than two of us present we'd either pair off (if there were an even number of us) and go through a routine of switching partners or it would be suggested that we start a train - known today as a gang bang - where one guy would not only suck off every guy there but would also be fucked by each and every one of us.

The one gay guy in our nasty band of brothers was usually the focal point in pulling a train; he loved dick, love to suck it, loved being fucked by it and would always volunteer to take us all on and we were more than happy to oblige him. It wasn't unusual for him to have a dick in his mouth and one in his ass at the same time as the rest of us waited impatiently for our turn to unload our nuts into him somewhere.

One day, all ten of us were hanging out, bored out of our minds and someone said, "Hey, I know what we can do!" and, well, we knew what that was because when we got bored, we had sex. Someone else said, "Hey, can we do a train?" and we all agreed that this would work and now it was just a matter of who was going to take dick first... and I volunteered to be the first although, today, when I think about that decision, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking about other than being highly excited about all the dicks I'd have in my mouth and ass.

I stripped down and got on one of the mattresses we had there just for this purpose - having sex on a hard floor just wasn't any fun. I hadn't got settled in place before the first guy offered his dick to be sucked and I went at him with a great hunger for a few minutes before he pushed me onto my stomach, applied some spit to his dick, and slid it into my ass. God, it felt so good to be under him and feeling his dick moving in and out of me, listening to him grunting and groaning before I felt his dick spasm as he shot his spunk into me.

He pulled out and the next guy in line stepped forward, so anxious to get his dick in my mouth that he poked me in the eye in his haste. Another few moments of furious sucking led to me being flipped over and speared, his dick going in easily thanks to the load of cum the first guy left behind.[/SIZE][/FONT]

Well, the fact I am asking these questions, leads me to believe, other than my normal weirdness, I am probably okay mentally, but, I do want to understand how I can be the way I am. And as I have lived through this, I know others have, and I know how freaky and scary that feeling can be

I think, for me, many of the answers came when I stepped off the cliff into the unknown and for the first time weeks ago fully immersed myself in a weekend en femme, and allowed myself to see what came naturally. Not over exaggerating my hips when I walk, or trying to talk in a falsetto, just, changing my dressing style, some nice perfume, and allowing myself to not think about the way I walk or sit

I learned, when dressed as Jazmin, I truly feel like a lady, and it is important for me to dress in a, well, "classy" way, not a street walker style. I do realize the body parts I have, and I am okay with it. But when I am dressed, I allow myself to think and act like jazmin, I dont try or hinder anything, it just comes naturally, there is a definite personality swap

As I am changing clothes either direction, with every piece I feel the changes coming over me, the thinking. As guy, I throw on jeans and a t-shirt, as a female, I dress slower and match items. It really feels like two different people.............which is why I had to worry about mental illness.

So, I started thinking about other times in my life where I am different. I thought about work, if I throw on a shirt and tie and lead a team, my manners and way of speaking and thought processes change, than when I am at home. I sit straighter to project leadership, I speak in a different manner, use different words, again, a personality swap................and well, many people do that and they are not considered mentally irregular. Seriously think about it, do you do anything different at work ?

I have acted in large plays, and remembering that, I learned how to truly immerse myself in my character, as I wanted the audience to believe I was that person and not me for two hours. I adopted the traits of the character I played, very similar to when Jazmin comes out.

But, does that mean its all an act for myself ? that I am just playing a character ? am I just escaping reality ?

Well, what about when I perform musically.......and this is where some self realization came in for me. When I do 80's rock shows, I dress in leather and spandex, I have watched videos and noticed I move different, dance on stage different, even facial expressions are different, than when I do, say an acoustic show with songs more like (knocking on heavens door, cant you see, ed sherrhan).

yes, there is some dressing the part, but, my facial expressions and movements change depending on the type of music............so, if I disassociate or have multiple personalaties, then I must have a bunch of them, but I don't think this is the case.

What about when I walk outside at night and come across people,or riding public transportation I project a different defensive stance, and all that seems normal to most people right ?

What about those with kids, when parenting, you may act different than when dealing with an issue with a spouse. Most people call this acting the part, but is it really, or is it just many parts of who you are ? There are people who were born to be a parent, and others like me that sucked at it and worked very hard to be a good parent, some, it was just inside them all along

SO, now, I am thinking, if my brain is okay, how do I explain all this. Well, has anyone else noticed that many actors / actresses are now openly coming out as bisexual ?
We are seeing more and more people coming out as transgendered ?

Yes, some of them could be just an attention thing of , well, I will seem cool if I am bi

But, what is it about that particular business, that attracts people with some of these traits, and I think there are a hell of a lot more still in secret

I think the answer, at least for me, there are many of us that know we have multiple parts to us, and the acting or stage performance allows us to let it out in a socially acceptable way. there are many of us that can release and become something or someone else, and many others who would, if they had a safe way to do it. I think many of us, while we may not know what it is, are more in tune with our inner selves, and understand there is more beneath the surface

There are others that may truly be more one dimensional, who are straight forward and happy, God bless them if they are, but I believe there are more people who dream and have that other person inside. How many of you have ever listened to music and in your head pictured yourself on stage playing guitar or singing ?

Or watched a rescue show and dreamed of being the firefighter rushing into a burning building ?

I am not talking about the flight of fantasy................but how many, day dream, a lot. how many people have scenarios that play in your head all the time where you are someone else, not a day dream lost in a video game idea, but really step outside yourself and see it, feel it, you know something deep inside is trying to rise up and come out ?

How many feel, there is really more to them, maybe you dont know what it is, or how to express it, but you know deep down, it is there ?

This was me, I felt feminine urges, I felt myself being tugged and pulled, i caught myself walking past ladies clothes stores and glancing too long. This was me for most of my life. For most of my life I fought it off, I stopped it, I didnt let it come to the surface, I was in control.

Instead, I buried myself deeply into books and allowed the inner me to become those characters,not who I truly am, but as I got older, it no longer worked.

When I finally ordered an entire outfit, I turned around all mirrors so I couldnt see, i dressed slowly, then spent ten minutes just standing there before walking to the full length door mirror. No, it wasnt a miracle moment of seeing myself as a lady, I saw myself as happy.

I felt a weight off my shoulders, I allowed this inner person to come to the surface, and I spent the weekend as her. When it was over, I changed and went back to my daily me. As time has allowed, I spend a day here and there as Jazmin, but it is not all encompassing.

I dont feel one "personality" pulling or tugging at me daily, actually the oppisite, I feel in harmony. On days I can dress, I understand the difference between when I put on a show, and when I embrace the other side of me, they are similar, but many differences.

I automatically switch to smaller steps when walking (you have to in a skirt anyways), and it feels like a part of me.

Is there some escape ? yes, Jazmin does not have to go to work or pay bills, kind of like barbie, but without the camper and a eunic like Ken to keep her company. The real escape though, is letting an inner part of me come out.

I wish I could say this has changed my life, the birds sing, the grass is greener, the oceans parted and heavens doors opened up, well, it didnt.

What it did do, is help me to realize, I am okay the way I am, I enjoy and feel good, some stress had been relieved.........I have allowed an inner part of me to be a part of my life. I am no longer one part of a whole, but, now two parts of a whole. Could there be more ?

I dont know, I dont think so, this just feels right to me, that this is the complete me. I fi i ever feel there is, I wont spend decades fighting it, I will explore it instead.

The easiest way i have heard to explain it...........and this is the big self realization (hope its not a let down)...........many women when they get divorced, and date again, I have heard them say

"I spent 20 years as a wife and a mother, and its all I was, now, I feel free "

yeah, now, I feel free, I feel me

Awwwwwwww, I am now comfortable, dressed as jazmin (which I have found is a very important distinction I will get too later)

In part 1 and 2, I described my past, and then kind of the groupings of people from conversations with others, and stated none of them fit me. It is not that I think I am something special, but I am fairly good at self analysis. So, why don't the other categories fit me ?

Well, gay and Lesbian are easy, I have sex with both typical genders, so, it is ruled out for the most part.
Bi, well, other than the sexual part, it cover a small aspect, but it does not explain the dressing and some other things that I not mentioned before (spoiler alert, it was some serious self discovery for me)

So, lets talk about transgender - as I stated, I can never understand what it feels like to be in the wrong body, I dont have that capability and wont pretend too. I do know, I feel I am in the correct body for me.

Being a crossdresser, well technically I am, but, that doesnt explain the mental part I have been truly trying to understand (this is the spoiler later)

Some things I have noticed, being around a few people. People who cross dress, generally dress up. By this I mean, they wear a nice dress, lingerie, nice heels, that sort of thing.They are very concerned with proper shape adjustment clothes (waist cinchers, corsets) The reality, genetic women DO NOT get dressed up every day unless they have too for work. The transgendered people I have noticed in public may be dressed up, or might be in casual feminine clothes, in other words, more similar to the average every day lady. If you go out and look at genetic women, many of us try to out feminine the ladies. they come in all shapes and sizes, but, many of us have an ideal of how we should be shaped and look

People in the transgendered community, They might wear yoga pants and sneakers to the grocery store. They arnt "dressing" they are getting dressed to do their normal day to day activities. Thinking of this, i went to my stash of clothes, and noticed, I dont really have anything casual, sure some dresses are not a LBD, but they are all items you would wear to go out, or a nice lunch. And since I am comfortable with my body, this puts me more in the crossdresser category.

theres only one problem, I am dressed right now, and I find, I am sitting different, I feel different, I am holding my wine glass different, even the show on the TV is not my typical, my thought process has completely flipped, I notice the men on TV more than the female..............so does this put me more into the TG category ?

No, it makes me Alice in Wonderland wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why don't I fit in. How can I be all male one moment and looking at women and slouching, then with a change of clothes, I am looking at men sitting on the couch with my legs tucked up underneath me.

I refer and think about myself with another name, I truly feel like a different person. The other me is like a mirror image I can see, touch, but seems different...........................at this point, I have to wonder, am I insane, is there something mentally wrong with me ?

Do I disassociate of have multiple personalities or maybe some schizophrrenia ?

Its scary, but, it is something I had to think about, how can any normal sane person see themselves as two different people ?

For that answer, I have to do a part 4 due to limits on text

In previous post, I talked about the past, some experiences and fears. This week I had another birthday, as I always do on this day, I reflect back on the past year, and past parts of my life. Things I have done, things I wish had done. These are not negative what if's, just a yearly take stock of things. As I do this, I am dressed in my normal male clothes

Many people do spring cleaning, I clean my mind. This year, my thoughts went to why do I dress en femme ?

Naturally, I went back to all the labels, TG,gay,Bi,transexual, crossdresser. Now, I dont pretend to have the answers, and in no way are my thoughts meant to be disrespectful to anyone who sees themselves in any of those categories, at the end of the day, peace, love and happiness to all. This is just my thoughts on what seems right for me, and it can change, and has changed over time

Am I really just gay - well, no. When I am dressed as a male, and in what I call male mode, I am only attracted to women sexually, with the fleeting thoughts of damn, I would like to wear that dress. But I dont walk down the street looking at guys and thinking I wonder what they are packing

Am I Bi - Well, in the techinical sense, yes, as in I have had sexual relations with male and females, but, even this is just an aspect of me, it is not the full story, as many men and women are bi, but do not dress and represent as the opposite sex

Transgendered - no, I have no desire to become a female, I enjoy looking down at my male body parts, and in no way do I wish them to disappear, I am good with the way I am

Lesbian - well, I am pretty sure I can rule that one out just due to my biology

So where does that leave me ?

As I do with everything else, whether its car repair, writing a new song, or simply trying a new recipe. I look, observe, and learn.

Since this year I have moved on from trying lingerie, to fully dressing, I have become more observant of people and mannerisims. Where as before, I may not notice from a distance if it is a genetic girl, or not, these days I do notice the small things that tip me off, no matter how passable someone is.

I have also been having a lot of chats with people who are at different stages, and different desires in their journey of life, and have constructed some things I see people have in common. Now, of course this is from my perspective, and from a male perspective, so ladies, it would be interesting to hear from you. I am also not thinking about men, who dress and act as men, and just enjoy the intimate time with another male

Pantys and lingerie - I have found there is a segment of guys who enjoy just wearing pantys and or lingerie and taking care of business themselves. They have no desire to be with another man, and probably never will be. They don't wish to act or be treated feminine, they enjoy and get excited by the feel and taboo of the clothes, this was me years ago.

Pantys, lingerie and men - another group, are the guys who enjoy wearing lingerie, and being with another man. For the guys I have talked too, this kind of dressing is far enough for them, they do feel they have a little bit of a feminine side and this is how they express it, and they may wear pantys under their normal every day clothes.

Transgendered - probably should have saved this for last, but, as this is my thoughts, I wanted me to be last. I cannot pretend to understand what it is like to be in one body, and very much feel it is all wrong, I just do not have the ability. Talking to some people, they described it as the proverbial dream you have of being in front of a group of people speaking, and realizing you are naked, and there is nothing you can about it...........I am guessing they dumbed it down for me. As I said, i can not ever truly understand

Crossdressers - from the people I have talked too, they just enjoy the feeling of being in feminine clothes and expressing themselves this way, some do have sex with other men, some dont, but it is something that brings them happiness every now and then. From the people I talked too, they dont go out in public, and for most, unless they have an understanding wife, no one else knows. They dont see themselves as female, they enjoy the feeling of dressing, and for lack of a better word, the play acting of being feminine, over exagerating their walk or talk

As I said before, I am no expert, nor is this intended to describe everyone, these are from conversations with about ten people I have spoken too. So hopefully , no one takes offense at my descriptions, but instead, maybe adds their own observations and feelings in

Unfortunately, not one, as in zero, nada, nothing, really encompasses who I have found I am. Little bits and pieces here, but, not one single area covers me even 50%, and I think many of us fall into this category, which is why I am writing this.

I think there is a lot of us walking around wondering if we are the oddballs that dont fit in..........

The bigger issue, those of us that dont fit neatly intoa category, are kinda left out in the cold to figure it out on our own. This year, I just jumped off the ledge and tried something, and it opened my eyes for me, but like everything else, this is my own journey, we may cross roads and paths, we may hold the light to shine the way for others to decide which fork in the road to take, but in the end, everyone is on their own path.

before I write the rest, I need to change clothes, this part was written from my analytical side, which is when I am dressed male, the other part needs to come from my feeling side, with a little cross over from this one.......................

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]After I wrote "Passing the Torch," I got to thinking about how my parents bullshitted me about things sexual and in that "do as I say, not as I do" way that parents tend to behave. Stay with me - this'll make sense and better explains "Passing the Torch."

I woke up in the middle of the night, thirsty as hell, and stumbled from the room I shared with my sister and brother to make my way to the kitchen for some icy cold water but to get there, I had to go through the room that doubled as my parents' bedroom and dining room. As I opened the door and stepped through it, I heard my mother's voice saying, "Yeah, eat it, lick my kitty, yeah, just like that!" and, well, I had a cat... didn't know my mom had one, too, but something told me to be very quiet so I tiptoed past the scene on the bed and even in the darkness, there was my father with his head between my mom's legs and I wasn't sure what I was seeing but the way she was giggling hinted that she liked whatever he was doing down there.

I made it to the kitchen unnoticed and chugged some water right out of the pitcher we kept in the fridge and after drinking my fill, headed back to my room where my young but night adapted eyes took in the sight of my mother's head bobbing up and down and my father moaning and groaning like an animal. I knew what she was doing since, not that long ago, I'd been introduced to sucking dick but the thing on my mind was to get back to my room without them noticing me, which I did - but I was up for a long time listening to them having sex and it was quite exciting.

Jump ahead a little and to the moment where my father told me to never put my mouth on a girl's pussy... and it confused me because I sure as hell saw him with his mouth on mom's pussy so why was he telling me not to do something I saw him doing? Well, thanks to my sister, I found out why you should do that and as I got older, sure, I could see why you shouldn't but if you could, why not?

A month or so afterward, my mother told me to never let a girl put her mouth on my ding-a-ling... and again I wondered why she would tell me not to let a girl do something that I sure as fuck saw her doing that night but, um, her warning was late since both girls and guys were putting their mouth on my ding-dong like it was illegal. I liked it and they did, too, so what's the big deal?

Jump ahead to the night my mother busted me and my brother and that scathing lecture she gave me and how much what she said really pissed me off as she told me in no uncertain terms that boys - and especially brothers - should never do what we were doing and I vowed to myself that when I had children, I wasn't going to bullshit them like my parents bullshitted me.[/SIZE][/FONT]