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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I've been fortunate - even lucky - to have experienced a lot of sex and I've felt that my bisexuality played a big role in the many times I've gotten laid, from doing so with men, women, both at the same time; a couple of orgies, being a swinger (and in an open marriage) and sometimes just being in the right place at the right time.

But one of the big moments in my life was the day I gave myself a blow job. I don't quite remember what put the idea to try it in my head but if I were to pick something, it may have happened a couple of hours after I'd spent some time with another guy and we were sucking each other off like it was illegal. What I do remember was watching him sucking me, taking all of me and while watching someone blow you is always visually stimulating, the way he was doing it was truly a work of art.

Of course, I was very aware of what I was doing to him and it was fun knowing that we were kinda having a contest to see who could "out suck" the other and get the sperm flowing first. After two rounds of furious cock sucking, well, the contest was even; I "lost" the first round, he "lost" the second and as I made my way home, I was basking in the warm feelings and I'm almost sure this was the moment when I wondered what it would be like to suck my own dick... and if it was even possible.

How hard could it be? I knew two things: One was I was flexible enough and the other was my dick was long enough. Once back at home, I conducted a test: Shucked my pants and underwear and with my dick in my hand, just bent over as far as I could. Okay - the angle is all wrong and the best I could do was get a real close-up look at my balls. Hmm - this calls for more experimentation... but I'd need to be hard and thanks to the guy I'd just left, that wasn't gonna happen for maybe another hour. Still, it didn't stop me from getting on the bed and trying to fold myself up; my back, neck, and stomach muscles were starting to pitch a bitch but, hmm, when I'm hard, I think I can do this!


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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]That first bad experience exposed not only my navetivity but how stupidly easy I was and I'm not joking when I say that all a guy had to do was show me his dick and I'd want it in my mouth, ass, or both. I'd ask for it... would sometimes beg for it. I realized that I didn't know how to say "no" even when my gut was screaming at me to say no. Or, a guy I was used to doing it with would ask if we could do it, I didn't really feel like doing it, but I'd do it with him anyway and, sometimes, feel like shit afterward.

That day? I realized - all late and wrong - that my gut had been telling me not to go and do it with him and I ignored it... and even regretted how it all went down and turned out. I hated the way I just did nothing and let him use me the way he did and that I didn't do anything until he filled me up with his spunk and said I was a good girl and a faggot. Why? I still don't know but it no longer fucks with me, not like it did for a couple of days after the bad experience. Well, I do know... I can't put it into words. He did to me what I wanted him to do - I just didn't like how he did it and I had, in fact, stupidly and ignorantly, hoped that he was going to keep his word and do it to me really good. And he didn't. Well, let me put it in the way I came to understand it: He did it to me the way he wanted to - I just didn't like how he wanted to do it.

It was the moment that also taught me to learn from my experiences, both the good ones and the bad ones; it taught me in a very hard way not to believe everything someone said when they wanted to do it to me - and that included some of the guys I'd regularly been doing it with. I was sad to realize that I was learning not to trust but I learned that day that you cannot trust everyone, that when your gut is telling you not to do it, well, just don't fucking doing it unless you wanna feel like shit after the fact.

Took me a while to learn that particular lesson and one made worse by me understanding that up to the moment when I wasn't having fun, I was having fun doing it or it was all good until I felt it wasn't. That it was easy to think about how bad something was after the fact... but it wasn't really all that bad while it was happening. Or learning to make it stop when, while it was happening, because I wasn't liking what was being done or said and, yeah, if he wasn't going to stop, make him stop and more so when I had the skills to make him stop.

And, yeah, sometimes, just let him finish... then kick his ass. In my youth, I learned some very hard lessons about having sex with guys, lessons I've never forgotten but lessons that, oddly, were good lessons to learn and, namely, when a guy gets his dick hard, there's no telling how he's gonna behave and sometimes, I'm not gonna like how he behaves once the sex gets started. Hard lessons. Important ones. Maybe even necessary ones.
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Hell, no, I didn't like it! I wasn't a girl! I wasn't a faggot! But that thing in my head asked, "Are you sure you didn't like it?" And I almost threw up again because I couldn't say that I hated it as much as I knew I did. Among the things I learned that fateful day, one of them was learning that there's a part of my mind that always tells the truth... and sometimes never in a good way.

Shit, I was telling one of my friends about that moment - and, get this - after we did it to each other for the first time that day - and even he said that I was an idiot for believing him and I did the right thing to beat the kid up... but even he asked me if I liked it when he sucked me off and I fucked him.

And it felt like I did but I still hated everything that happened that day. My friend even said, "If you didn't like it, well, you did it to him and shot it in him - that had to feel good, didn't it?" And I got mad at him and I think it was because he was right - it had felt good even though it was the worst day in my life, too. I didn't understand this very confusing shit and it wouldn't be for another four or five years before I could understand it.

And even when I could understand it, I still felt dirty and used by him, still felt the heated shame of being suckered into having sex and believing everything he had said to me that day. It was the first of quite a few bad experiences for me but, truthfully, none of the other bad experiences I had came close to being like that first one. I'd find myself sometimes being fucked and hating myself for agreeing to it and, shit, like a lot of girls, just taking it and wishing and praying for him to cum and get this over with... and then being mad with myself over deciding to do it when it wasn't as much fun - or as good - as I thought it would be.

It wasn't because the other guy really did anything bad or wrong to me and I had learned a big lesson from that first time in that if a guy did something I didn't like (or agree to), make him stop and if I had to do something to make him stop, well, I was gonna make him stop... but it didn't make me feel any better knowing that I allowed and went along with something that started out good... and wound up being anything but good.

And it got worst.
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I got up. My whole body was hurting and shaking; my hands felt swollen and numb, had his blood all over me and I felt so dirty, used, and disgusted with him as well as myself. I fell for his bullshit, believed him when he said he was gonna do it to me really good when it was anything but good. I'd lost my cool when he called me a good girl and a faggot, had given into a blind rage and beat him up - then fucked him and I had no fucking idea why I did that. I put my clothes back on while keeping an eye on him, not out of any concern for his well-being - he sure as shit didn't have any concern for mine - but I was waiting for the fight to continue.

He finally managed to sit up... and the motherfucker smiled at me before saying, "So... you're not really a good girl after all, huh?" Oh, I started to kick him in the face but the words still stung just the same. I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Fuck you!"

And he said, "You did that already!"

And I kicked him and ran out of the place and all the fucked up shit and feelings landed on me in a very bad way. I got home and went straight to the bathroom to wash up; thankfully, neither of my parents said anything to make me stop and talk to them - I wasn't sure how I was going to explain why I looked like I'd just been in a fight. As I washed up, the tears I'd been trying to hold back started flowing and I threw up in the sink, which got my mother's - the nurse - attention but she just said something about running around when it was so hot outside.

I felt... sick. Dirty and no matter how much soap and water I used. My asshole was so sore; my mouth and throat was sore from having him shoving his dick into my mouth so hard. I hated him... and I hated myself even more. Not because I finally beat the shit out of him... but because I let him trick me into doing it with him. I was really mad that when I was punching him, my dick got hard again; I got even madder because I fucked him and got madder still because I couldn't remember when I moved to stick it in him. I almost threw up again to remember looking down, seeing my dick in his ass - and his dick shooting the stuff all over the both of us.

Worst. Day. Ever. Then it got worse because after I finished in the bathroom and changed my clothes, my father noticed that my hands were swollen and now I'm lying to him - kinda - about having gotten into a fight and lying even more about why I was fighting. Yeah, like I was gonna tell him I got suckered into doing it with another boy and he treated me very badly and had made me feel like shit. He lectured me about fighting - and not for the first time - while telling me that it was good that I defended myself.

And I felt sick again because I knew that when I should have defended myself, I hadn't. I just showed him my belly - and as I'd heard adults say but until that moment, I didn't understand what that meant... but I did now. I let him fuck me in the mouth then laid there and let him manhandle and fuck me in the ass, calling me names and all that. And then, to add insult to injury, something in my head asked me, "Did you like it?"
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He roughly pulled out of me and then roughly turned me over; he started sucking my dick just as roughly, his teeth scraping the shit out of my dick and I felt ashamed that my body was actually responding to it. For some reason, he kept roughly moving me around on the floor, biting my dick (but, I figured out later, not that hard to do damage) and just manhandling me until, again and to my shame, I shot my stuff in his mouth.

When he finally stopped, he looked at me and said, "You were a good little girl, faggot!"

That's when I snapped and leaped on him and starting punching him in the face (and anywhere else I could hit him). I was wailing away on him, taking all of the bad feelings he had made me feel out on him and, damn - my dick was hard again... and so was his! My mind was a big red blur as I sat on him and turned his face into a bloody mess; my hands were hurting pretty bad and at some point, I stopped sitting on him to hold him down and kneed him in the crotch as hard as I could, making him throw up and all that.

The next thing I knew, I had my dick in his ass - when did I do that and, even better, why did I do that? I didn't know... and I guess I didn't care. I remember looking at him as I shoved my bigger dick into his ass, seeing the look of fear and pain on his face, his eyes starting to close and blacken, blood pouring out of his nose and, somewhere inside me, shit - I felt horrible; filty, totally and completely disgusted as I fucked him as hard and as brutally as I could and, occasionally, punching him in the face again.

I was insane; something inside of me was yelling at me to stop, to find my clothes and run away and I knew that was what I had to do... but I didn't. I don't even know how long I fucked him until I shot my stuff... but I knew it when he shot his stuff because I was looking down at my dick in his ass and saw it shooting out of his dick. He's under me, crying, begging me to stop, telling me how sorry he was - and really started crying when I finally shot my stuff into his butt.

I felt disgusted even more because it felt good doing that in him. I pulled out, leaned forward a bit... and punched him in the jaw as hard as I could. I saw his eyes roll up in his head and his body went totally limp and I remember starting to cry and a tiny thought that he might be dead. Well, no - he was still breathing but still.
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Totally, guileless, I said that I had and even asked him if he was asking me if we could do it - and he said he was doing just that and that he wanted to make it up to me for knocking me down. He said that we could go someplace and suck on each other's dick - was I shooting sperm? I was? Great! He was, too, and we both were grinning at each other. Where could we go that close by? It just so happened that I knew of a place just a couple of blocks away!

And off we went and as we went there, I hadn't realized or even knew or expected that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. We got to the place, stripped down and, again, I didn't know he was filling my head with bullshit talking about how nice I looked naked and all that; after just kinda standing there looking at each other he finally said, "Let me do it to you..."

What happened next would turn out to be the worst decision I'd ever made (at that point). First he shoved me to my knees and roughly said, "Suck my dick!" then grabbed my head and "forced" me to take his dick into my mouth - then started fucking into my mouth hard, slamming his pubic bone into my face and making my nose bleed a little. In my after the fact thoughts, I should have stopped and took him to task for being so rough - but I didn't. I think he got pissed off because he couldn't shove his dick all the way in my mouth and make me gag; he was my age and, to be honest, my dick was bigger than his and I'd sucked dicks way bigger than his without gagging so it wasn't like that was gonna happen. But the more he got mad about that, the harder he fucked my mouth.

And, again in my after the fact thoughts, I understood why girls would go from being eager to do it - then stop being eager - and would just let it happen and praying that it gets over with quickly. That's where I was; I wanted him to shoot into my mouth and be finished. But he didn't or, I thought later, he couldn't; what I know was he was very unhappy with me, calling me all kinds of names and I wanted to jump up and punch him in the face... but I didn't. I didn't even know why I didn't and I was so confused over why I couldn't even when he shoved me hard enough to make me fall onto my back.

He roughly turned me over, roughly spread my butt cheeks apart, and even more roughly rammed his dick in my ass; I thought, again, later, that he got mad because I didn't yell or scream as he forced his dry dick in my ass but, then again, I'd had much bigger dicks stuck in my ass and sometimes without much in the way of anything to make the passage easier.

Once he got it in me, he kept calling me a faggot and a sissy, was fucking me harder than I'd been fucked before and I'd never felt such... shame before. Every part of me wanted to buck him off of me and fight him but all I could do was lie there and be fucked until he eventually shot his stuff into me.
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]It was awful. I felt horribly dirty, nauseated, and unpleasantly sore. I also felt like a fool because I believed everything the guy said to me, only to learn that I got fed a load of bullshit. My naiveity had been exposed and as I left the "scene of the crime," I was doing my best not to let my feelings make me cry while, only then, thinking about all the things I could have done - and should have done - to be so callously used.

As I slowly walked, I was also hit hard with the understanding of why some girls behaved the way they did when you'd ask them if they wanted to do it, understood why they'd get a fearful look on their face or, sometimes, why they'd cuss you out for having the audacity to ask them such a question.

For two years, I'd been happily exploring this sex thing, reveling in the new knowledge that you could do it with both boys and girls and it was good, scary, "nasty" in a very good way to, say, lie down on top of a boy and stick your prick in his hiney-hole and hump him until you shot your stuff - then trade places with him. Or we could take out our dicks and suck on them until stuff got shot into your mouth, all warm and salty/sweet - and then, a few minutes later, do it again. And it was much more fun having to sneak around to do this, reveling in the fear of getting caught.

One day, while roaming around the city - and as far as I was allowed to - I ran into a guy and I mean literally ran into him or, really, he ran into me; I don't even remember why he was moving so fast but I do remember both of us hitting the ground. We got up, apologized, checked ourselves for injuries, apologized some more but instead of going on about our business, we got to talking and during the conversation, he asked the magic question.

"Have you ever done it with a boy?"
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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I kept sucking him, slowly and gently while keeping as much of my weight on him as I could. I looked up at him and he looked... panicked and the beast inside me cackled insanely. It wasn't often that I'd "double suck" a guy but after the way he had worked my dick? Oh, he earned this and I hoped it was making him just as insane as he had made me.

After only God knows how long - my internal clock had shut down again - I could feel him getting hard in my mouth and I kept at him with deadly intent. At some point, my hand had touched the tube of stuff he had used on me and the beast decided it would be good thing to put some on a finger and put it in his ass - so that's what I did. The beast howled in delight as Barry tried to get away from my invading finger, saying, "No, not that..." over and over even as I seated my middle finger into his ass up to my last knuckle... and I have long fingers. I did to him what he'd done to me - just kept my finger there, unmoving while the beast feasted on his renewed cock.

I didn't care if he was enjoying it or not; my beast was feeding again and that's all I cared about as I sucked him, made him cry out and, yeah, beg for mercy... and letting him know that he would get no mercy from me until he came in my mouth again. I didn't know - or gave a flying fuck - how long it took before I felt his cock swell in my mouth and that first - or, really second - spurt of cum splashed into my mouth. The beast within me roared and I fed it; for a quick moment, I felt like a vampire, sucking the life out of him and if I could have laughed at that thought, I would have... but I was too busy siphoning off whatever spunk Barry had to give.

I released him and removed my finger from his ass... and he immediately scrambled away from me to the other side of the bed... and I did laugh at him.

"How'd I do?" I asked him... and debating on whether or not I was going to fuck him now that my dick was revived enough to do just that. I think he saw the look on my face, saw what I was thinking about and literally rolled off the bed and hitting the floor with a thud that had me concerned.

"You're crazy," he said from somewhere on the floor.

"Yeah, I am," I said. "Did you really think you could do that to me and get away with it?"

"Believe it or not, I did," he said as he tried to get up. "That's not the way I wanted this to go at all! Are you gonna fuck me?"

"No... not today," I said - and I meant that; the beast inside me, well, it wasn't happy about that but I was back in control now. "But, you know, if you want me to fuck you now...?"

"No, that's okay - we can do that some other time," he said. My beast, now back in its cage, let out another crazy laugh as Barry stumbled to the bathroom, my eyes fixed on his backside and envisioning my dick being buried in it.

I'd never been sucked off like that before in my life... and Barry, the next day, confirmed that he'd never had anyone suck him off "back to back" like that. I did get around to fucking him and it was as nice as I thought it would be and more so using that numbing lube he had.

But not as nice as it was when he worked my dick over with his mouth.[/SIZE][/FONT]