Should I change for him?

[Kippy]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

[monk93]

If he came out to you and told you he was bi, would you expect him to change? or would you accept him the way he is and love him unconditionally?

If you begin changing who you are now, it will only set up heartbreak for later.

Good luck.

[tenni]

I don't think that it is a question about changing yourself for him. You are who/what you are.

The questions may be more specific about how you wish to live your life? How will you live as a bisexual woman? Will you be able to have open and honest discussions with the bf with his lifestyle and attitudes on this issue and other issues? So, many more questions rather than changing yourself need to be explored.

[bensonmum65]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

Coming from a man that used to think just like your boyfriend, the answer I can give you is that it is only wrong based on the backward, misogynistic, antiquated religion of your boyfriend. I used to be religious too. I used to read the bible and go to church every week. The whole time I was fighting the urges that dwelt within me. You can try to change if you want to but if my experience is any guide, you will fail just as I did. I told myself each time that I masturbated to gay porn that it was wrong and sinful and shameful and dirty and that I would never fall into that trap again. The need always returned, nagging until I broke down. My advice is to break up with your boyfriend -- don't wait for him to break up with you. Don't be fooled by his coming back to you a few weeks or months from now saying how much he misses you and how it's ok if you want to be bi. Such changes take years to deprogram and break the cycle of indoctrination that he's under. As much as you care for him, please don't let his views cause you the lifelong pain of trying to be something that you're not. Save yourself the pain of divorce and all that goes with it for yourself and your potential children years from now when you find that I was right.

[Samantha Sabrina]

Sweetie,

At this point in your life you are still single, and you know who you are inside and what you want, like and enjoy.

Now imagine going thru with getting married, having children, and all the while knowing you are not living your life the way you feel you should be.

This is your choice, and you should not let others tell you what to do, including myself, however...

If I were in your shoes, at this point in your life, I would move on without him.

I am married, and I am Bi, but I am also a TG, now while my wife knows about, helps and supports me being a TG, she does not know I am BI, and trust me, it does create alot of stress within me that I can not be as open and honest as I would like to be, but I can not see throwing away the last 19 years of my life, and besides I do Love her dearly.

If I had it to do over again, I would come out to her up front and if she wanted to go forward great if not I would have stayed single.

All the best to you dear.

Samantha

[Kiowa_Pacer]

Hi,

I am new here so please dont take this the wrong way. Are you a "practising" bisexual? What I mean is had you had female lovers before becoming engaged to him? Religions can be difficult in situations like this, and I feel for you. Like another poster stated, it is up to you if you want to go through with your marriage and change who you are, or is this something you just wish to Settle with? You can go without being with another woman for the rest of your life, or have to put up with his dictates the rest of your days. The choices are up to you.

Please take care and have good luck no matter which avenue you choose to take.

Kit and Ki

[Kippy]

I have been with other women before. There are only 3 people I've told that I'm bi. My family still doesn't know. My ex girlfriend is really supportive of me. For the last year I've been fine with not having a female partner because I have my boyfriend. I burried my feelings for my ex and all other women because everyone around me is religious and I'm afraid of being judged for how I feel and what I like. Now that I've told my boyfriend I feel like he thinks of me different now than he used to. I guess I should have expected it but I didn't think he would frown upon it so much.

[TaylorMade]

I have been with other women before. There are only 3 people I've told that I'm bi. My family still doesn't know. My ex girlfriend is really supportive of me. For the last year I've been fine with not having a female partner because I have my boyfriend. I burried my feelings for my ex and all other women because everyone around me is religious and I'm afraid of being judged for how I feel and what I like. Now that I've told my boyfriend I feel like he thinks of me different now than he used to. I guess I should have expected it but I didn't think he would frown upon it so much.

I grew up in a similar milleu and am a believer and I understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
If you're a practicing believer as well...remember in the end, it comes down to you and God. Remind him of this. At some point, he's going to have to decide if it really affects him and his walk with God...or if it's other issues that are affecting him. Have a frank talk about it.

Change, in the end, is up to you and God. It should never be up to your boyfriend; he is only human.

That was the long answer.

The short answer is no. . .even if you were straight as an arrow and any other issue were on the table.

*Taylor*

[TaylorMade]

Coming from a man that used to think just like your boyfriend, the answer I can give you is that it is only wrong based on the backward, misogynistic, antiquated religion of your boyfriend. I used to be religious too. I used to read the bible and go to church every week. The whole time I was fighting the urges that dwelt within me. You can try to change if you want to but if my experience is any guide, you will fail just as I did. I told myself each time that I masturbated to gay porn that it was wrong and sinful and shameful and dirty and that I would never fall into that trap again. The need always returned, nagging until I broke down. My advice is to break up with your boyfriend -- don't wait for him to break up with you. Don't be fooled by his coming back to you a few weeks or months from now saying how much he misses you and how it's ok if you want to be bi. Such changes take years to deprogram and break the cycle of indoctrination that he's under. As much as you care for him, please don't let his views cause you the lifelong pain of trying to be something that you're not. Save yourself the pain of divorce and all that goes with it for yourself and your potential children years from now when you find that I was right.

Well, the self-righteousness hasn't changed.

*Taylor*

[bensonmum65]

Kippy, you have to decide to not let the judgements of others effect you, just as I did. They blindly follow a cruel vain petty misogynistic bloodthirsty tyrannical god who commits and/or condones murder, rape, genocide, incest, human sacrifice and many others. Religion is a poison on the planet. The ones that think like those around you are responsible for the crusades, the inquisition, the holocaust. Ask yourself why "acts of god" are never good things. They deny the rights of millions of Americans because they believe that homosexual intercourse is icky. They are the ones that should be ashamed of their behavior, not you.

You say that you've been fine without a woman lover for the past year because you have your boyfriend. I presume that this means that you and he are sexually active. Why is he okay with ignoring that part of the bible? Why is he allowed to pick and choose which passages are applicable? Also, just because you've been fine for the past year, do you know that you'll be fine for the rest of your life? I urge you to not box yourself into a life of bondage. ( Unless you're into that sort of thing in which case we should talk :bigrin: )

[bensonmum65]

Well, the self-righteousness hasn't changed.

*Taylor*

bite me

[TaylorMade]

bite me

No. You strike me as someone who may taste bitter... (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9720)

*Taylor*

[Kippy]

Yes I have been sexually active with my boyfriend for the last year. And only recently did he become religious. I was talking to him the other day and he said he's been feeling convicted, so we haven't been with each other in 2 months.

[MarieDelta]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

Absolutely not.

You'd only be disguising yourself. If he cant love you the way you are, then he doesnt love you.

Find someone who really loves you, you'll be much happier in the end.

[TaylorMade]

Yes I have been sexually active with my boyfriend for the last year. And only recently did he become religious. I was talking to him the other day and he said he's been feeling convicted, so we haven't been with each other in 2 months.

Oooh,'New Believer' fire.. that can be VERY hard to live with. My dad was on the receiving end of that... he's atheist. My mom is a Hard core SBC...when she became hard core...my mom thought about leaving. If that had happened, I wouldn't have been born.

If you love him, give him some room to adjust to his new life and you may have to leave him be. Especially since he's backed off you for a while. Tell him you care, but that you may just have to move on and that it will be for EVERYONE'S benefit if you do. Don't be mean, just be assertive.

*Taylor*

[Kippy]

I do care about him very much, and I love him a lot. That's why I haven't told him I'm bi. Cause I didn't want him to think different of me. My family loves him too and they expect me to marry him next year. My mom thinks very highly of him now that he's become a religious man. I attend church with Travis and my family every Sunday and Wednesday nights. I'm also scared that if I break it off with him that he'll tell my parents, and I don't know what they would do if they found out.

[not_ur_typical_girl]

Okay as a bi-sexual, and a christian here is my beliefs on this whole ordeal...First of all do not change urself for a man. I tried that and it did not work so well, it just leads to a miserable life for you and the person who you changed for. Second of all, what you do and think and say is between you and God, only God has the power to judge you and tell you whats right and wrong for you. God is the final authority in the is being bi-sexual a sin, and even if it is God sent Jesus down to die for our sins, past present and future. So if thats the case you are forgiven for all your sins any ways.
Just have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and let him know how you feel, and what you believe. Just never change who you are for a mere human being. It is not worth it!!!

[Kippy]

Thank you everybody for your advice and encouragement. I really appreciate it. I have to get off the computer though. So, please IM me cause I can get it on my phone :)

[Long Duck Dong]

I am a ex christian.... I turned away from the church in part, because I had a open stance, I refused to judge people, I would stand beside a hetero, a trans, a bi, a gay etc..... as one of gods children and tell them it was not for me to judge them, but between them and god

I drew a lot of flak over that stance.....and I would argue that god had never told me to sit in judgment of anybody, and fuck what the bible may say, I was following gods direction for me and I would refer pray for guidance, than read a book and decide to judge.....

I do find it very ironic that most of the people that judged me as wrong, in the church, have now gone on to have divorces, infidelity, adultery and in one case, arrested for sex with a minor.....

my advice is simple, you can not more change who you are, than you can stop the moon orbiting the earth...so do not try......
your boyfriend needs to read the bible and realise one thing..... its not his place to judge others... its gods.... its the major rule of the bible

our role is to stumble and fall and call out to god for his help and guidance cos its by that, we will be judged..... not our actions...... and so we should assist those that stumble and fall, not judge them

[Kippy]

It's true the Bible says not to judge. It also says not to sleep with a person of the same sex. Lev 19:22 I think. So that's where it gets me, cause I don't wanna be judged by my family or my boyfriend. I also don't want to be shunned by all my christian friends if they found out.

[Long Duck Dong]

thats why I say to talk to god, pray to god for your guidance.... the bible is a guideline, its not gods guidance in YOUR life.....

god will ask us to walk a path that may appear to go against the teachings of the bible,.... but its god who judges us according to his will for us, its humans that judge each other according to the bible......

I am not a christian kippy, I am a ex christian, I walked away from the church and the bible cos I was judged harshly by other christians for not judging the LGBT people...... yet a prophecy over me was spoken at a penticostal church and that was god had a path for me to walk that would be extremely hard and test the resolve of any man.....

for the last 10+ years I have been a live in care giver for a gay man.... I have worked with and walked with churches and christians in new zealand, fighting for the civil union bill ( a state of marriage that covered the LGBT and hetero communities )

and I have battled with a christian mother that thinks that the LGBT are to blame for all sexual attacks on kids, that they are necrophiliacs and zoophiliacs..... and I have challenged many christians over their stance of deny gods children, v's gods teaching that we treat all of his children equally.....

may god judge me according to my heart..... cos its other christians that are judging me according to my actions

[citystyleguy]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

...RUN, my love, RUN, as far from him as possible! find some good friends that can give you space to think things out, and you will see ANYONE who makes those types of demands on another human being, THEY NEED TO CHANGE!

[DuckiesDarling]

Kippy, the answer to the question is not only no, it's hell no. When you start changing who you are to please someone else you lose your own path. If the path you are walking is comfortable for you and he can not choose to walk the path with you he quite frankly never will.

It's not something a lot of straight people can do. So hugs but it's best to not think of marriage at this time at least not to this person.

[Kippy]

I do love him though. I mean, when you've been with one person for a year it's hard to just let them go. My mother has our whole wedding planned out almost. It's kinda suffocating when I think about it. My mom is always asking what I'm doing with Travis and then Travis has always had a habit of checking me phone to see who I've been talking to. I miss having my own space lol that must sound rediculous. There's another part of this story that's a big variable. Her name is Kylie. She used to work with my boyfriend, that"s how I met her. I also cheated on my boyfriend with her last Friday. I'm severly confused on what to do now :)

[DuckiesDarling]

Okay you just gave me all the information I need to know. He is never gonna trust you. It's best to tell him no you can't marry him. It will just continue to get worse, I can just see him browsing your computer history and pulling up this site. Open your eyes girl, love ain't enough. It's never enough when there is no trust and no choice.

[Kippy]

He says he trusts me. And I just thought it was normal for guys to check their girlfriend's phones. My bestfriend's boyfriend does it too. I guess you could say he' controlling but that's just his personality. He won't find this site on my computer cause I've been using my phone lol. I guess love can be blind sometimes?

[DuckiesDarling]

Let's look at facts. He has a problem with you being bisexual. You cheated on him with a woman and you are hiding that from him. You think he trusts you when he checks to see who you called? That is not normal behaviour, that's the behavior of an obsessive controlling personality. So fine... marry him. But do come back and tell us in a few months just what a mess you are in because you married someone that will never really know you.

[jemscout]

hi. i'm a straight girl so i can't relate to how you're feeling in coming out. but, regardless of sexuality you should NEVER have to change for the person you love, i believe. if he loves you, then he loves ALL of you. and being bi is a big part of who you, therefore he should love and respect that as much as he does the rest of you.

do you really want to spend the rest of your marriage hiding who you truely are? a relationship should be about sharing and exploring who you are with the person you love the most in the world. clearly you won't be able to trust him with you inner self. and clearly he doesn't trust you (there is no excuse for sneaking through phones/internet history etc.)

i know it's hard sweetie, but YOU DESERVE BETTER! you deserve someone who loves every single part of you and who will never make you feel that any part of you is wrong. you are beautiful JUST AS YOU ARE :)

[Long Duck Dong]

I do love him though. I mean, when you've been with one person for a year it's hard to just let them go. My mother has our whole wedding planned out almost. It's kinda suffocating when I think about it. My mom is always asking what I'm doing with Travis and then Travis has always had a habit of checking me phone to see who I've been talking to. I miss having my own space lol that must sound rediculous. There's another part of this story that's a big variable. Her name is Kylie. She used to work with my boyfriend, that"s how I met her. I also cheated on my boyfriend with her last Friday. I'm severly confused on what to do now :)

I did what you did, but 7 years...

I stayed with the person as i believed it was the right thing to do, to love for better or worse...... they had 14 affairs and left a number of times.....

you are torn between your love for your partner, and your own understanding of who you are..... so you need to decide

can you continue in a relationship where you would not be allowed to be who and what you are....

are you able to become monogamous and faithful to a partner without giving in to your own bisexual desires and nature..... and cheating in the relationship....

now if your partner is going to follow the biblical stance, it means that a male rules the household... his word is law..... and it is your place to submit to him...... thats something that many people including christians struggle with....as relationships are joint decisions and compromise... not what he says and thats the final word......

loving a person, doesn't make things all rosy and perfect...... and I would say to your partner that you are not going to make him decide between his faith and you.... so he needs to stop telling you to change who and what you are, to suit him...... otherwise, the marriage vows will not be spoken truely..... marriage is for better or worse...... and if he can not handle who you are, he needs to rethink his ability to commit to somebody that he is not able to accept

as for your own infidelity, my dear..... its a wake up call for you... a sign from god..... god is not judging you .... he is letting you make a choice..... and god will not stop loving you regardless of what choice you make....
so it is others that will judge you that is the real issue...... and if you have faith and trust in god, then let god guide your heart and hand......

[djones]

If he really loves you, ask him to change for you.

[Kippy]

I do understand that I shouldn't change myself for him. I just hope that in the year we have before we get married he would change how he thinks about bi and gay people. I don't think he has a problem with it, if he's not close to the person. Kylie for example, is a lesbian and he doesn't have a problem with her. The hard part for me if I do marry him is that I will have to hide my feelings for Kylie. That will be really hard cause even though I've only known her a few months I care about her a lot. He doesn't know that. I'll have to tell him sooner or later that I cheated on him. Even though she made the first moves, I still went along with it because it felt right. That's also gonna be hard to explain because he doesn't know what I feel inside. Lol I'm probably confusing everyone right now :)

[Falke]

It's true the Bible says not to judge. It also says not to sleep with a person of the same sex. Lev 19:22 I think. So that's where it gets me, cause I don't wanna be judged by my family or my boyfriend. I also don't want to be shunned by all my christian friends if they found out.



If I may...

Coming out really sorts the wheat from the chaff. Last year we had a situation in a group where I came out to a friend and the info found itself around the group. Long story short, it came out when I discovered some nazi political leanings, as well as anti-semitism amongst some of the group members. In order to discredit what I said they outed me. I quickly found whom our true friends were VS the ones claiming to be were. It also helped both of us get out of a bad situation that could have damaged other friendships as well as hindered my career far worse than simply being bi would have.

While it's initially a bitch if outed or coming out, it's definitely a good test if you are hanging around the right people, and it also shows the character of your current/future friends.

[Falke]

I do understand that I shouldn't change myself for him. I just hope that in the year we have before we get married he would change how he thinks about bi and gay people. I don't think he has a problem with it, if he's not close to the person. Kylie for example, is a lesbian and he doesn't have a problem with her. The hard part for me if I do marry him is that I will have to hide my feelings for Kylie. That will be really hard cause even though I've only known her a few months I care about her a lot. He doesn't know that. I'll have to tell him sooner or later that I cheated on him. Even though she made the first moves, I still went along with it because it felt right. That's also gonna be hard to explain because he doesn't know what I feel inside. Lol I'm probably confusing everyone right now :)


Also.... WHOA!!! Slow down there.

If there is a problem as big as you describe, marriage plans should be side-tracked until this is entirely sorted out and everyone is on the same page. Remember, it's your life, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of your actions. Not your parents and not your friends and they should understand that. Weigh the potential outcomes of both situations, even in the worst case if you are outed you loose some friends and it may be uneasy for a little while but it will improve over time. However, in it's current form you may be in for years of covering up and loosing yourself followed by a divorce with or without kids which in and of itself is messy, costly, and takes emotional toll.

Marriage is definitely NOT something someone should feel they must be coerced into for fear of consequences, it should be something YOU want to do.

[Kippy]

What I don't understand, is that if he loves me so much then why would he judge me so harshly on this. I never judged him when he was the "bad boy". I met him when he was working at a bar picking up girls, smoking, drinking. I didn't judge him on those things though because I liked him. He would go to church with me on Sundays and then I was the "good girl" I guess. He started really getting into religion about 6 months ago and I thought that was pretty cool and I didn't mind it. We started going to church on wed nights too. Then about 3 monts ago he told me I couldn't sleep over at his house anymore because that was supposed to be for married people or something like that. I don't quite remember. I just wish he wouldn't judge me because of this one thing. I sorta feels like he owes me because he wouldn't be the way he is now if I didn't help him first. Is that wrong?

[BiBedBud]

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark....

Could it be possible that your BF is trying to expunge an aspect of his own sexuality by resorting to religion? Could it be that he is trying to drive-away his own "demons" (perhaps sexual in nature -- maybe even homosexual or bisexual), by 'finding religion'? I have no basis to make this suggestion -- admittedly -- but perhaps it's worth considering? I dunno.....

What I do know is that this young man is still forming a personality and a worldview, and that you seem to be too uncertain of yourself -- to warrant either of you getting married to each other.

SO THEREFORE, NO, you should not change for him. IMHO, you should not ask him to change for you either, and also, you two should not get married.

Find another 'fish' in that great big sea -- one who swims more like you do, and in the same direction as you, and you won't have to worry about the things that you are worrying about now.

The fit is just not right, IMHO.
Better luck next time.

[Vikkster230]

If he loves you, then he'll love all of you... If he can't love or respect that, then he's not the right person for you hun. I think it should be that way for a him or her in your life.

[Samantha Sabrina]

Kippy,

Now that more of the story is coming to light I need to add more to what I stated earlier.

First, sweetie, my second wife was sooooooooo sweet and loving at first but very soon after we got married she became the witch from hell, she was as jealous as anyone could be, if someone called during the day while I was at work and hung up before she answered or even worse when she did answer, or if the voice on the other end was female and asked for me when I came home I caught all kinds of hell, it would be either oh by the way your girlfriend called today but she did not want to talk to me, blah blah blah, it was a total nightmare.

You are lucky in that your BF is showing his true colors BEFORE you get married, trust me sweetheart it is NOT going to improve, it WILL only get WORSE.

Second, he was a "Bad Boy" that found Jesus only 6 months ago?

Yet he already knows enough about the Bible to start judging you?

He knows NOTHING about the Bible, if he did he would know and understand that it is NOT his place to judge another, that is for God alone.

People like him that attend Church and begin to tell other people how they should live their lives are hypocrites, trust me on this one, my mother is a Bible thumper, she uses the Bible to make her point of view correct, but she does it by mis quoting what the Bible says, she applies her own interpretation which is usually totally wrong.

Like I said before it is not my place to guide your life, but you did ask for advice.

My advice is to dump him, if you go forward with this marriage you will regret it for as long as you are married to him, (which most likely will not be very long), and as for being afraid of him outing you to your friends and parents, sweetie, what do you think life will be like if you marry him, and he holds this over your head just to control you all through your marriage?

He will be able to make your life a living hell, and keep you there to take it.

Any way you look at it, if he is going to out you then he is going to out you no matter what, you are better off cutting this off now and deal with it before you spend time living in the hell he will surely put you through.

Your parents are just that your parents and you know they love you, sure perhaps they will not be very accepting of your life style, perhaps they will understand, but no matter what they will still love you.

As for friends that don’t understand if you get outed, well then that is their problem not yours, and you can find “True” friends down the road.

Huggggggggggs

Samantha

[Kippy]

My boyfriend is heading to a youth summer camp on Thursday so maybe his eyes will be opened or he'll change his mind. I don't wanna know that I wasted a year of my life for nothing. I also don't wanna disappoint my mother. I'm very close to my family and I know it's not their lives that will be affected by marrying him but I don't wanna let them down. A problem of mine: I put everyone's feelings before my own. It's just the way I am

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff.

Now wait a minute. You already told us that you Had told him you are Bi. And in another sentance you said "The reason I havent told him is because I'm afraid he'll tell my family"
Hmmmm....
Cat

[Kippy]

I meant that's why I didn't tell him earlier in our relationship because I was scared he'd tell my family. Sorry for the mix up

[Falke]

A problem of mine: I put everyone's feelings before my own. It's just the way I am

It's tough, but there is absolutely no reason to "Take one for the team" on this one. In this case, you would be taking one for no reason.

You sound like you are on the younger side but to put it bluntly: Leave that sort of thinking behind. Being passive will leave you battered and abused in life much like a rudderless boat in a hurricane.

[Shawti]

I don't think you should change because of his religion ...
When you're in a relationship with somebody, you should -in the first place- accept each other.
You don't need to change, just adjust, which does not means that you should change the person you are.
Otherwise I don't think your relationship is healthy.

S.;)

[coyotedude]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

No. You need to be true to yourself. You can choose to live a monogamous relationship - many of us do without regrets - but you will always be bi. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I know this will sound harsh, but it is the truth: if he is not willing to accept you as you are, then the relationship does not have much of a future.

Best wishes to you, because this is not an easy situation to be in...

Peace

[Bluebiyou]

I do understand that I shouldn't change myself for him. I just hope that in the year we have before we get married he would change how he thinks about bi and gay people. I don't think he has a problem with it, if he's not close to the person. Kylie for example, is a lesbian and he doesn't have a problem with her. The hard part for me if I do marry him is that I will have to hide my feelings for Kylie. That will be really hard cause even though I've only known her a few months I care about her a lot. He doesn't know that. I'll have to tell him sooner or later that I cheated on him. Even though she made the first moves, I still went along with it because it felt right. That's also gonna be hard to explain because he doesn't know what I feel inside. Lol I'm probably confusing everyone right now :)

Kippy,
you must be young and in love.
It's not so much that you "shouldn't change yourself"
It's more of a "can't change yourself" issue. (You're into solid human nature stuff here)
You ARE your feelings. Sure you can shut them out/off for a while, perhaps even years when you are young.
And as far as changing your man... in the way you want him to change... good luck. You'll probably be the first woman to do so out of 3 billion currently living and another estimated 3 billion who have lived in the past. You can only put his acceptance of your feelings as a mandatory term on the table with your man, but you're probably too young/in love/insane to understand what I'm saying.
Your man whom you love so much probably has a young man's ego... always GOT to be his way. (I know - I'm an old man recovering from my ego)
But the fact you are attracted to him opens the possibility that he himself is bi; not a majority - greater than 50% - but a significant fraction nonetheless.
Keep in mind that being young and in love is certification of legal insanity; you will do all sorts of things that - should the love ever subside - you will realize.
The best advise I can think of:
Love him! Marry him!
Tell him you also love Kylie, your feelings for Kylie (your lesbian feelings) are no threat to him, and you will never back down.
Please notice the part of the advise in red. If any part of my advise feels right, pay attention to the part in red. Don't deviate/vary from the part in red. Frame the part in red and put it on your wall.
If you betray your truest and strongest feelings, you betray yourself. You're clearly in love with this young man. You're also clearly bisexual. For you to be dishonest with either of the two previous sentances...
I wish fantastic luck and good feelings for you.
Blue

[BI BOYTOY]

OMG !!!!! no not a chance this will be not good for you. i he loves you he should at least try and understand you. you can not change who you are, if being bi, gay or lesbein was so wrong why where we made like this? that is my question. and if the answere has anything to do with the devil they are full of it the devil did not make us god did in his own image so who are they to judge us? sorry if this seems strong but when i wasa teenager church members founds out about me and said being by was of the devil and desided to beat the bi out of me. im the first to tell you it did not work. shawn:eek:

[BI BOYTOY]

I just wanted to tell you i wish you the best off luck.:bigrin:

[BI BOYTOY]

And oh just remember this is your life not his,or your familys, and your mother will always love you, if she gets disapointed she will get over it.

[dickhand]

NO ! Absolutely not !

[TulsaTriad1]

It's true the Bible says not to judge. It also says not to sleep with a person of the same sex. Lev 19:22 I think. So that's where it gets me, cause I don't wanna be judged by my family or my boyfriend. I also don't want to be shunned by all my christian friends if they found out.

Read the rest of Leviticus and then ask yourself -- and them -- why is it that 19:22 is the only rule that still applies?

Folks here seem pretty unanimous in asserting that you are who you are, and I agree, but you also need to recognize that they are who they are. You have to accept them as they are, judgment and all.

That said, people can and do change. A lot of Pharisees, er, fundamentalist Christians eventually come around to a more generous view of humanity. Some even come out!

But you are treading on a treacherous past. You talk about wanting to hide who you are (and you seem to know who you are -- you're not "questioning") and do what is expected of your bf, your family, your conservative community.

I think it's important to consider that his reaction was to what you said you are (orientation) not what you said you did or want to do (behavior). There are a lot of monogamous bisexuals, including some on this list. If, for him, it's about who you are, not what you do, will he ever really be able to "trust" you, now that you have told him the truth about your "are-ness"?

Do you want to spend your life, join families, maybe have children, with someone who doesn't really accept you? And if you have kids, what if one of them turns out to be...different? Do you want such judgment visited upon that poor child?

There are communities, individuals, families out there who will not judge you. And as I said, sometimes individuals, families, communities can change. But from what you say, this guy sounds like he has a long way to go, and is headed in the wrong direction. :2cents:

[TulsaTriad1]

You're clearly in love with this young man.

Um, I'm not getting that at all. What I'm getting is that you got together with a hot guy with some flaws, then he turned a complete 180 and became a fundie. He unilaterally changed your sex life from active to abstinent. He routinely violates your privacy. He doesn't trust you (tip: you can't always believe what people say, but you can always believe what they do).

Your body is literally telling you to get out of this situation (you refer to this as "cheating on him"). You feel swept up by the momentum of the path you're on, even though you are suggesting that any marriage is a year away.

You can only run so many red lights before you t-bone your whole life.

Here's the deal. Even if you weren't bisexual-- or even if he suddenly claimed he accepted you as one -- you have plenty of reasons not to marry this guy. That's actually good news, in that you can gently (and swiftly, one would hope) back off from the marriage plans, take a step back and, over time, reassess your own self and your relationships to your family and your community, without having to come out at the same time.

You're allowed to have your own reasons and your own feelings. Just like you shouldn't (and don't) have to hide who you are from those you love, you don't have to tell everybody everything all at once. :2cents::2cents:

[littlerayofsunshine]

Ahhh.. Well.. Here's a couple of thoughts.

You marry for love. To give it, to receive it. Flaws, perfections.. for the known and unknown.

But. It doesn't sound as if he loves "you". He loves the ideal in his mind that he wishes you to be.

You want love and someone to accept you as you are.

He just flat out told you, that he can't give that to you.

So the hard decision is.. Will you do what is right? or Will you do what will please?

Out of these two questions.. Which one can you live with and which one are you willing to die for.

Marriage is expensive, Divorce has a higher price to pay.

Good Luck to you in whatever you decide for yourself.

[jamieknyc]

Slow down everyone. Too many people here are making a knee-jerk "dump him" response, more because they disagree with his beliefs than anything else.

Kippy obviously has a great deal invested in this relationship, as well as with the community and religious faith she belongs to. No one here seems to be taking that into account. Apparently in this forum the small head always comes ahead of the large one.

Only Kippy can decide whether she is willing to give up bisexuality for her marriage- which by the way, is not different from a heterosexual woman having to decide to give up on an ex-boyfriend she might still be hanging around with.

[DuckiesDarling]

No, my knee jerk response to the original question was hell no, don't change for him. This is not something that is a simple as learning to like Pepsi instead of Coke. She is talking about shutting down an integral part of her because he thinks it's an abomination due his recent Biblical influences. New converts are always the ones that seem to take the longest to learn that God will never disown any of his children as long as they believe in Him.

Now she went on to say that she had indulged her bisexual side recently despite being in a relationship with him and knowing how he felt. So I adjusted my advice to not only should she not change but she should not think of a marriage.

She further went on to say that he is so untrusting of her he checks her phone to see who she is calling or who was calling her.

So if she does marry she is looking at a lifetime of someone who will always be checking her phone, her computer, her very purse. Never know there might be a napkin or matchbook from a bi club or someone's phone number. You don't have to be a psychic to see the writing on the wall. Step away now and learn who you are, Kippy. You can not be yourself while you are too busy trying to be the shadow of yourself that he finds acceptable.

If it was me, I'd dump him, but I am not advising you to do that, only you can make that choice, but I am advising you to give up marrying someone who can't love you for you.

[Lisa (va)]

Can a person in all reality change their sexuality and/or how they feel?

Sometimes there can be comprimises, just because you are bisexual in nature does not mean you can not be monogamous with someone you truely love.

Ask yourself if you think you can and/or are willing to remain true to each other.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

My other question is: Would He be willing to change for You? Would he be willing to give up his views on bisexuality and love and accept you for You? Would he be capable of letting you explore your Bi side now and then without having a meltdown?
Can he over come his religious beliefs to let his wife be Who she is, or are you going to have to conform to his demands for the rest of your lives? Ya might wanna think about this..
Cat

[jamieknyc]

My other question is: Would He be willing to change for You? Would he be willing to give up his views on bisexuality and love and accept you for You? Would he be capable of letting you explore your Bi side now and then without having a meltdown?
Can he over come his religious beliefs to let his wife be Who she is, or are you going to have to conform to his demands for the rest of your lives? Ya might wanna think about this..
Cat

Why is it that he is supposed to be "willing to give up his views for [her]," but at the same time her giving up her bisexual interests for him is not "letting [her] be what she is? Is this a one-way street? Also, isn't she supposed to be making a commitment that he is going to be the only person she loves and/or has sex with?

[littlerayofsunshine]

Only Kippy can decide whether she is willing to give up bisexuality for her marriage- which by the way, is not different from a heterosexual woman having to decide to give up on an ex-boyfriend she might still be hanging around with.

I can not agree with this statement. Sexuality is not another person, nor is it a bad habit that is just to hard to break. It is a trait, a characteristic, something within that makes up part of who we are. Would you tell a straight person, hey try being bi, its like getting a new pair of shoes. To decide not to have sex with others is one thing. But denying sexuality is akin to always wearing colored contacts and never showing your brown eyes, because he prefers blue, or keeping your hair blond until it crisps and falls out. because he thinks brunettes are unattractive. It's having to hide who you really are, and in so can never be loved as a whole entity.

And her title was "Should i change for Him?" and referenced the man in her life not "Should I change for our God".

Other things that haven't seemed to be posted about. What if they were to have children, and one ended up bisexual or gay. How would you want that child to feel. Knowing what you feel about yourself right now.

I never suggested she dump him. But merely to think about the situation and its entirety. Her wishes and desires since she is so admittedly says she has a habit of putting others first.

Growing up and then being on the road to marriage, is when someone should put themselves first and learn to incorporate someone else into it, ultimately creating a life they desire and wish to lead. Once married is when you can put their needs before your own as often as you wish, and getting pregnant and having children, you almost forget yourself entirely and completely live for others.

Why do it before you have to?

She's not living free as it is.. She's living in fear. I'm sorry, but who enjoys living that way?

[jamieknyc]

Lilray,. she has already made a commitment that she isn't having any sexuality other than with this one guy, so it ain't a 'trait' or 'hiding what you really are.' I am sure if it was the other way around and it was the guy who was having (or considering) sex with someone else, you would run to condemn him.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Lilray,. she has already made a commitment that she isn't having any sexuality other than with this one guy, so it ain't a 'trait' or 'hiding what you really are.' I am sure if it was the other way around and it was the guy who was having (or considering) sex with someone else, you would run to condemn him.

You are sure about me huh? I would never presume so much about you.

My posting history speaks for itself. Where it has ran the gamut of human emotions and levels of support.


Now. She has stated she has had sexual feelings for her friend. That she will have to hide. What do you consider that? She can't even state she has the feelings. Let alone who she has them for. She can't even state she has the potential of those feelings. She is suppressing. and will have to do so for the remainder of her time with him.


And Jamie.. Since you know me so well.. You should also be aware that I have helped MEN. who were in similar situations *UNMARRIED* and i supported them into finding a woman who will accept them as they are.

I don't see what's so wrong with telling someone "Hey you don't have to marry that person, You can find someone better suited for you".


Gee.. I would want someone to do that, for one of my children.. had they set themselves on a path, that could not be fulfilling to them.

I did it for myself. Because when I was single.. I wanted what was best for me. Others had already created their own lives and didn't have to live mine.

[Kippy]

I didn't mean for anyone to get into arguments over my question.

Update: I told my boyfriend that I cheated on him with a former co-worker of his. He was really angry, started yelling. Then when he calmed down some he told me he needed time to think and needed some space after all the news he's gotten from me. I tried to tell him I was sorry and that I still love him more than anyone but he walked out the door before I could say anything. I've tried texting and calling him but he won't answer his phone. I can't say that I blame him really...



P.S. this post wasn't to get pity from anyone. Just to fill y'all in on my life

[BiCycler]

First: This might be a moot point by now. Second: To most of the rest of us, I'm guessing, this is very clear because only you are the one experiencing the emotion involved in this situation. Some of us may relate to what is happening to you, but none of us has the extra mantle of emotion to contend with here. And often, emotions can distort things greatly. Third: You are the only one with all the information here. As I read through your posts, I saw some conflicting bits but a lot of unknowns. That having been said, here is my :2cents:
You've been together a year. That is a considerable amount of time to have invested in a relationship. After some time like a year, it is hard to think about not being in the relationship. Looking at it from my perspective, having lived a few more years than you, I do not see it to be as long a time as you probably feel it is. You will hear many things from people who have circled the sun more times than you about being young and having many more experiences ahead of you. I believe most people would understand what I am getting at here. This may look like something much bigger to you at this point in your life than it will look to you much later in life. So hard not to sound condescending here. I don't mean to. In one of your last posts, you said you did not want to know that you wasted a year of your life. Shame on you. I said the same thing after a failed marriage and got the same reaction I just gave you. It is only a waste if you do not seek to learn from those experiences you have had in this relationship. I was married twelve years and after divorce, told someone I wasted those twelve years of my life and that person got all over me about it, refocused my perspective and I realized those twelve years, for good or bad, was a part of my life journey and would be a waste if I kept thinking negatively and single mindedly about it.
You say your b/f recently ramped up his religious fervour and hasn't had sex with you for two months because of that new found religiosity, (my words but I think I'm close to accurate here). I know that story. My ex-wife made a personal decision to change something in her life that we shared and made life miserable for me because she expected me to do exactly the same. Like a reformed smoker...
I see also that he threatened to break up with you if you did not change. That darlin', is what you call a red flag.
You say you have been fine just being with your man for the year you have been together. I read that and thought well, I was married for 12 years and was fine with, and had accepted that I was only going to have heterosex because I was committed to one person. That is absolutely possible to do and still be bisexual. Practice and attraction (desire) are two different things. But you also used strong language here. You said you have buried your feelings for your ex. That sounds unhealthy but I might be reading into that. Burying feelings usually happens when someone is not facing those feelings because a situation is not pleasant. Burying how you feel about women, especially if you have explored those feelings, can only lead to internal conflict, pain and heartache. I don't mean to say you cannot let go of those feelings, but that would mean you need to face those feelings and do the hard work necessary to properly address those feelings. Maybe that is what you are doing here asking these questions here. I also make the assumption here that when burying those feelings that you are doing so to satisfy someone other than yourself, (Your b/f, your parents, and your Christian friends). You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, 'what do I want?’ not what does everyone else expect from me. That might sound selfish but is actually the opposite. You cannot best serve those around you without first taking care of and being true to yourself. I have a suggestion here. Take a pen and paper and write down as many points as you can about what you seek in life. What are those things that are important to you? What can you live with and without? Can you be satisfied with living and experiencing some and not other aspects of yourself? Sacrifice can be a good thing if you are not compromising your core self, beliefs and dreams to do so. (Is that an oxymoron)? I know what I want to say but I'm not feeling I am being as clear about it as I'd like. Bob Marley says “Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?” Along the lines of satisfying those around you, you have stated a few times your families' expectation of you. They want to see you marry this man. Who is getting married here? I want to ask you to consider who your mom married for. Was it ultimately for herself or was she satisfying her family? Did she marry the man she loves or the man others loved? This is about you. Your family will not be married to Travis, neither will your friends. Think ten years from now, your life will have evolved some and friends may have come and gone. Will the opinions of your current friends mean the same thing at that point? We are talking about something that everyone who gets married hopes is a LIFE LONG thing. Marriage.
You also quoted Leviticus. Before I go any further, let me state I am not an expert in the arena of religion. Having said that, look at all of Leviticus before deciding how relevant your quote is. Levi said shellfish are not to be eaten. Men are not to round their hair or mar the edges of their beards. In Levi's rules against incest there are several relations that are forbidden. Missing from those rules is forbidding sex between a man and his daughter. Any sane person KNOWS that is wrong. My point is that many people quote from the bible to validate an argument but those arguments fall flat when examined in context.
Onto other things you told us. Do you check Travis' phone? I don't check my partner's phone. I have no business there. She has no business in mine. We trust each other. That might sound naive. I would feel slimy if I did anything like that. You (basically) defended your b/f's actions when you said you thought it was normal for boyfriends to do that. Hmmmmmm, I'm not sure how gender enters into this. Why not the other way around then? If you answer this question honestly to yourself, then just how wrong that is will become abundantly clear. An awful lot of what you have written for us demonstrates how much of your relationship is on a one-way road. Relationships, between two people, by their very nature have a two-way dynamic. You too have a right to your voice in all things that have to do with your relationship to your man.

In closing; marry this guy if that is truly what you want, but not until you have considered all that these thoughtful people have presented here. Consider all of this honestly, deeply, and thoroughly all the while, doing the same in regards to you. I believe that is your intent anyways. Otherwise, why ask the question? Good luck, I hope the best for you. For You!

[sephirothtx]

it all comes down to this, which is more important to you hun?
His love even in the evidence of loathing and bigotry that will force you to hide who you truley are?
Or the ability to be free and who you are even if it means the cost of his love?
In truth, if he truley loved you, he'd love you for who you are no matter what.

AS far as i am concerned, women or men that cannot love a man or woman for who they are, are not ones worth dating, or, getting married too

[Robinium]

AS far as i am concerned, women or men that cannot love a man or woman for who they are, are not ones worth dating, or, getting married too

Amen.

[sammie19]

I do care about him very much, and I love him a lot. That's why I haven't told him I'm bi. Cause I didn't want him to think different of me. My family loves him too and they expect me to marry him next year. My mom thinks very highly of him now that he's become a religious man. I attend church with Travis and my family every Sunday and Wednesday nights. I'm also scared that if I break it off with him that he'll tell my parents, and I don't know what they would do if they found out.

I'm sorry. This is confusing me. Which is it? Did you tell him or not?

[darkeyes]

First off.. am not sayin give him the elbow.. but am sayin that before u even think of marryin the guy u had better be very very sure.. cos seems 2 me he wants everythin' his own way.. doesnt matter to me sum 1 being religuious or not, what matters is how they use the compassion and tolerance which should be within 'em, an how much they understaand the person with whom they are supposed to be in love.... far as I can see, he wants a possession and you are heading down a right old rocky road... there is a lotta air clearing to be done, and he has to understand that a marriage is a partnership of two equals not an old fashioned takeover of a persons mind, body and soul.. u are a human being and as such someone to be treated with respect especially by someone who claims to love you (I assume he does cos I'm not too sure and have you said..?).

Hun, u could be headed for a very tortuous few years unless you stand up for yourself and make him realise that u have a say in things too. If you are bisexual you can't just be straight.... you can live a monogamous life with a person of the opposite, or as I do the same sex, but your sexuality remains bisexual... the fluidity of sexuality in many people may mean at some time in the future u will think of yourself as straight, or you may become gay no one can tell at this time.

If it was me I would give this guy a swift body swerve... no matter how much I thought I loved him... I have no objection to anyone being religious, but just as some Christian and Jewish marriages, and some Christian and Moslem marriages work out and are very happy, and mixed marriages between people of many different faiths and even athiests and agnostics, so can marriages between people of different sexualities.. but a new convert? God.. recipe for disaster unless u get the groundrules settled before u wed to your satisfaction as much as his...dont be a wee mousie... cos there has to be a LOT of give and take, and there has to be understanding between those proposing to take such a step.. a meeting of minds... you don't have that now, and am not sure u ever shall... but in end its up 2 u. Just think long and deep, an dont rush into taking a step which might make u incredibly miserable without knowing what u are doing is right, and making sure that what u are, and he is, can live happily together.. with the right levels of love and understanding, acceptance and tolerance for who and what each other are.. if the answer is no to that, then you would be making the greatest mistake of your life.. and should u have children.. their's too.

[pecker]

the problem will solve itself...........if he can't deal with it........he'll leave....end of story

[darkeyes]

the problem will solve itself...........if he can't deal with it........he'll leave....end of story

I suspect ur rite.. wouldn't bloody give him the satisfaction of leaving.. if after talking it over and he is still so bloody stubborn and bigoted about it I would walk away before he even thought of it.....

[jackbirdjay]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're supposed to get married next year. And I just recently worked up the courage to tell him I am bi. My boyfriend is religious, he reads the Bible and goes to church and everything. So, when I told him I am bi he got angry at me, amd told me it was wrong and stuff. He also said that he'd break up with me if I don't try to change my feelings and try to be straight.. so, my question is: Should I change for him?

no u shouldn't if he loves u he won't ask u to change. U are who u are. If he's controling now wait till u get married.

[ninetythree]

I do care about him very much, and I love him a lot. That's why I haven't told him I'm bi. Cause I didn't want him to think different of me. My family loves him too and they expect me to marry him next year. My mom thinks very highly of him now that he's become a religious man. I attend church with Travis and my family every Sunday and Wednesday nights. I'm also scared that if I break it off with him that he'll tell my parents, and I don't know what they would do if they found out.

One of the surest ways to end up unhappy is to live for other people instead of yourself. You should ask yourself what makes you happy, and whether you could be happy with someone who never accepted your sexuality. Those are more important than what other people think -- even your parents.

Whether it is your boyfriend or someone else later on, the person you end up with should love you -- the entire you -- not just the parts of you they approve of.

[Realist]

This is one of the most unanimous and serious threads I've seen in a long time. Most of the advice is well thought out and explained.

I was in almost the same situation, years ago. I was dating a girl, who everyone thought was perfect for me. I didn't love her, as much as you say you love this guy, but I was pretty tickled that everyone liked her and let it ride.

One night, not too long before we married, I told her that I was bi and had had a few LTRs with males, in the past. She did what your fiance did, ranted and yelled and threatened me, if I didn't change. Like an idiot, I promised her that I didn't need a male companion, ever again. Finally, she calmed down, we married, and everyone was happy for us.

I thought, "Hey, I can do this!" Wrong answer!


About 3 years later, I met the cutest, sweetest, most sensuous gay fellow you could imagine....need I tell you more? I resisted for some time, but he was persistent and I "fell off the wagon". I dealt with the guilt, remorse, and self loathing, but could not refrain from seeing him again and again. I lied, cheated, and hated myself, but I could not be who others wanted me to be.

I was, and still am bi, and even though I'm much older than you, those characteristics will be with me until my dying day. I suspect you will always need that same-gender interaction, too.

My advice would be to look within yourself and, since you know yourself better than anyone ever could, decide what is best for you. If you marry, to please everyone else, with no regard for your own needs and desires, I suspect the union will be doomed to fail.

Marriage is not always easy, even when the two of you are deeply in love, understand each other and allow your mate to be themselves. But, when you go into it with unrealistic expectations.....well, look around; it doesn't usually turn out well, does it?

[Kippy]

I'm sorry. This is confusing me. Which is it? Did you tell him or not?
I did tell him. i meant that's why i didn't tell him earlier

[bret5668]

Simple answer...HELL NO!

"To thine own self be true"

[ohbimale]

You are young and know what makes you happy. Your bf sounds like a true believer. Plus I personally believe that God wants humans to live happy and healthy lives no matter rhe gender of those we love.

The fact that you are asking this question signifies that you are not happy with his response. So how can you possibly be happy with changing for him?

Personally if I were in your shoes I would cut him loose and live my life for me. Any one I have ever known who tried to live a lie was unhappy.

Someone who truly loves you will never ask you to change for them.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

[darkeyes]

Personally if I were in your shoes I would cut him loose and live my life for me. Any one I have ever known who tried to live a lie was unhappy.


Agreed without reservation.. once I fell in love with a very nice, sexy str8 guy.. I gave up all that I was and had been since very young for him and we spent four awful, awful miserable years as I lived the lie.. who u are and what u are is u.. people evolve as time passes, and sexuality being part of u evolves just like any other part of u.. supressing what u are doesn't work, nor does denying it because of outside influence.. they lead to misery, despair and often even tragedy...