A Question of Why?

[CuddlyKate]

This week a friend asked what I see in my partner. Being an old friend she knows of our history, likes and enjoy's Frances' company, but does question the chalk and cheese aspect of our relationship, and know she has grave doubts about our compatibility. It led me to think why we love the people we do? What makes us compatible or not? Not merely my partner and I, but any two people.

There are so many aspects to a relationship and far too many to number. Even within the most fleeting acquaintance. People give as reasons for break up that they have nothing in common, or conversely that they are too alike and many other reasons in between. We are all different inside, and have different needs and desires, with human beings so mentally complex. And yet why do two people who seem so right for each other never quite make it and two who seem so wrong, live forever as happily as any two people could wish?

I live with someone who is quite my opposite. I did not choose to fall in love with her. My sexuality has always been more orientated toward men than women. We have had our difficulties and know that being so different, that we are not ideal mates. However I could no more see, nor wish to live without her than I can imagine life without my children.

So what is it that makes two people love each other and remain together, when all around those who seem to be so much better suited watch as their relationship disintegrate into bitterness, recrimination and hatred?

[innaminka]

My present hubby is my 2nd. We have been married just on 20 years and have 2 delightful daughters. My first marriage lasted less than a year.
Why Dean?
He's not overtly handsome, but then I'm not a catwalk candidate either :bigrin: However from the first we felt comfortable with each other.
Of course our initial dates were fully based on lust - we were both "recycled" and basically just wanted sex.
He was so different to the normal fleeting partner.
He wanted to be with me - and i with him. I remeber, that i got great satisfaction from actually being together and not having sex; sort of doing the "couple" thing
We shared - i think that's critical.
From that grew love, commitment, marriage and here we are 20 years later.
The thing I love about him is the way he can both take responsibility and be a family leader, but at the same time respecting my need for independent thinking and actions; and supporting my decisions.
I think I have always been bi, but like many just didn't believe it; until it happened. :female::female:
When I acted upon my inner self, he didn't jettison me, he didn't condemn - he accepted it as a part of me. And our sex together is still fantastic!:tong:
Since coming out to myself about 10 years ago, I have become aware I am more and more leaning towards wanting to be with woman, I know that our time together is probably coming to a close, but love is something that is both wonderful and inexplicable. Its still there.

[raistkit]

think i've said this before so, my apologies for repetition. raist and i are friends, and it has always been so. the sex is great, butt:bigrin: that's not all that holds us together. friendship and honesty are the glue that keep us together. think i should stop before i ruin his reputation completely.

kit

[Annika L]

I think that respect and acceptance are two enormous factors, Kate, but the most important is communication (and the first two feed the third, and vice versa). Naturally, respect is important even between two similar people. But people who are different, and don't respect those differences are doomed to failure. But for those who can accept and respect (not just appreciate, but deeply embrace) the differences, the fact of difference is not a problem.

Whenever I hear of a breakup or failed marriage/partnership in the forums or in chat, it almost always seems to revolve around one or both being unable to accept or respect the other...and not just their sexuality, although that is not infrequently an issue. And without fail, there is always a period of poor or completely lacking communication...not willing to discuss their feelings, or keeping things back, often supposedly to make things easier for the other. This is why I always urge people who ask me for advice in dealing with their partners to share their feelings with them.

Kel and I feel extremely lucky to have been together now for nearly 22 years (ulp!). We are extremely compatible, in both temperament and interests, which is lovely...and we take advantage of that as well as we can. We are not alike in all ways, but we certainly respect the non-overlapping bits, and give one another freedom. Over the years this respect, coupled with our desire to spend time together, has often meant that I have picked up or absorbed interests and traits of hers, and she of mine. And we talk *all the bloody time*...about anything and everything: thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, memories, plans, and just joking around...sometimes we find ourselves aghast at how we never shut up when we're together, and this after 22 years! (In our first year together we joked that some day we would run out of things to talk about...everything would be said...well it hasn't happened yet.)

By contrast, two of our best friends are a straight couple who we've known since college. They married shortly after college, and seemed perfect for one another: different, but appreciative of the differences. Both are attractive and fun people to spend time with. But over the years it became clear that there was a certain lacking of respect that led to a refusal to work together and to share. Each had their own distinct interests, and rather than sharing these (much), they each developed their own separate lives. The fact that they even took separate vacations seemed to us at first an expression of freedom and giving one another space (although for our part, we couldn't see the point of taking a vacation without one another...what would be the fun?). Recently, we heard they are divorcing. We are sad, but not shocked...yet we find ourselves asking the same question, Kate...why should they not have been able to work it out? We think communication breakdown played a huge role...he felt he could not discuss certain topics, because she would react unreasonably (he was right); she felt that he was holding important emotions and bits of his life back from her (she was right). The lack of communication led to distrust and increased isolation, and further lack of respect.

Ugh. I feel like I'm rambling on. Despite how it may sound, I by no means think I've got it all sewn up (who understands all aspects of all relationship??), but I do think that respect and acceptance for who your partner is, coupled with strong communication about differences (and about everything else) is key.

[FalconAngel]

Fourty-Two!!!

:bigrin::eek:

[darkeyes]

This ur thread plummie yummie, an don wanna hi jack it.. so jus say this... ya hair, ya face, ya figure, ya bootie, ya legs.. but most of all wots in tween ya ears an in ya heart.. who ya r an wot ya r... an keepin it all fresh fun an interestin.. an as has been sed.. bein m8s..an the besta m8s...

[Vikkster230]

This is an interesting question... Since I'm in good with my hubby right bow (I usually am) the why for me is easy, I desire him, I enjoy his company, he's the most wonderful father. Aside from all that crap, he has seen me vulnerable and naked (emotionally) and he's still here. He still stands by me and he wants to be with me after 12 years and 2 children and everything in between. I wouldn't worry about the whys, is to focus on how great everything is going and just to make every day a wonderful one for you and her... ;)