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View Full Version : My bi wife has found her first love!



Bubber
May 6, 2007, 2:45 PM
I'm new here and I love the look and feel of this community. This is long and I apologize but it is the reason I sought this site in the first place so here goes:

A few months back my wife admitted that she believed she had bisexual tendencies. We went through all of the emotions involved with that admission and came out on the other side with an understanding that, given the opportunity, we would explore this in her. In the meantime, we have enjoyed pointing out sexy women to each other, watching the occasional video with lesbian themes and thoroughly enjoying the trip.

Last weekend, we were at an event with some people and one of them was her best friend. She lit up like I'd never seen when she saw my wife that day and so did my wife so I resolved myself to see if I could get them together. It turned out that it required little effort on my part. We all (the three of us) went to our house, drank too much, and ended up in a ball on the floor and then the bedroom. We were all fondling each other and exploring each other. I entered both my wife and her friend and everybody loved everything. In all, it was a perfect evening. My wife is in love with her friend and she loves her back and I love the pair of them.

This woman has children and a husband who is absent from her life emotionally. She is going to leave him soon and this was known beforehand by all of us. She also has a lover in another state. He is an old friend who she hooked up with on vacation home a few months ago and apparently they fell in love and have been having a deep love affair long distance for almost a year now. This was not known by all present that night last week. My wife knew this but I did not. I was aware of his existence and that they had hooked up when she had last gone back to visit her hometown, but I was not aware that they had since developed a deep relationship. I had always assumed she had had a fling. Would this have changed anything, if I'd known the full extent of their affair? Perhaps not but I would like to think it would have.

My wife and her friend, already loved each other as best friends do but that evening they fell IN love with each other very quickly and it became plainly obvious. I relished it and it has brought me and my wife closer then ever before. I love her more now then ever and for this alone I am grateful. The opportunity to see my wife explore a new love with a beautiful woman adds to it and if anything, makes me love her more.

Her friends boyfriend however is not so keen on recent developments. He likes the idea of her and my wife together, but wants me nowhere near the two of them when they are together like that. And who could blame him? He feels cheated and betrayed and I understand completely. If I was him I would be very upset as well. I entered his girlfriend that night! She was honest with him about that evening and what happened and I suppose this speaks to her love for him.

I cannot, after having the two of them that night, be comfortable with my wife having a relationship with this woman that did not somehow include me. If I come downstairs after putting the children to bed and find them making out on the couch, I cannot turn around and wait it out upstairs alone. This is not reasonable to me. I want them to be together and love each other but I need to be included there somewhere. I can certainly restrain myself from having sex with my wifes girlfriend or even keeping my hands off her entirely if that is what it takes for everyone to be comfortable with the situation but in this my wife and I are a package deal. My wife has no problem with this and her girlfriend has said that she understands this as well.

Last night she came over again and we all ended up cuddling on the couch, I very specifically did not touch her that evening and told my wife to make her happy. They fondled each other and kissed and felt and loved each other but everybody remained dressed and while I was stroking my wife the entire time, her leg, her back, everywhere, I did not touch her girlfriend. We never discussed what should be allowed and what is considered appropriate for her girlfriend and her boyfriends comfort level and I know that was a mistake so I remained away from my wifes lover and when it was over, I felt like a third wheel. A voyeur who was interfering and not participating and this makes me sad and angry.

I find myself, this morning, wondering if, after the first encounter we all had, I didn't fall in love a little bit with her girlfriend as an individual and not only as a pairing with my wife. This would explain a sense of loss I have developed since I learned of her boyfriend and his desire for me to leave her alone. Why would that knowledge upset me if I didn't care for her. (I find myself wishing he would go away so my wife and I could continue and grow a loving relationship with this woman. That is an aspect of this that I need to work out my feelings on for sure). I have made my desire to see this relationship between my wife and her girlfriend work known to both of them. I have said to them that I believe that we can find a common ground that fits everybody's needs and still fit in with their individual comfort levels. But I suppose we made an error in having another encounter last night before continuing that particular discussion.

Although my wife and I have discussed little else all week, it still remains a confusing situation that will have to be worked out in the long run. Seeing them together is beautiful and turns me on and I honestly want it to continue. And while I have never felt closer or more in love with my wife then I do now, I also feel like I am losing something and I remain confused...

CRAZY EH?? Thanks for listening guys and any comments or questions are welcomed. Perhaps I will write more as my thoughts straighten out a bit. I have no one to talk about this with other than my wife and I think, perhaps, I need that.

Vuarra
May 6, 2007, 5:09 PM
Oh, boy.

I feel your pain, Bubber... as much as I'd love to get more in depth, my wife is on this forum as well.

Practically, you have to know that this is your wife's g/f, not yours -- granted, you found this out with the whole voyeurism thing. As much as you (or the wife's g/f) want, you still have to be faithful. If you want a g/f, you'll have to ask your wife what her feelings are towards you having an affair -- which has absolutely nothing to do with her being bi, and everything to do with you being selfish. This is not a judgement!

Also, you have to realize that you *have* given her permission to have an affair. Even worse... she's in love with her? Prepare yourself for when they break up... all the bullshit drama, all the tears, all the shit that str8 guys don't usually have to deal with because they're the ones walking or kicked out. And you don't have the right to walk away because she's your wife.

This is more bitter than I mean it, probably because I have just lived it a couple of months ago, but everyone -- in relationships or married, bi or bi- supportive -- needs to know that with all the wonderful things that being bi brings, comes the shitty things too.

I'll be honest... I'm a bit of a control-freak (just a bit; I know when to let go, etc.), and losing control of my wife's sexuality was really freaky. Even worse were the emotions that flooded my brain... and I'm so un-emotional, I've been call either Spock or Vulcan on many occasions. Anger, hurt, confusion, even a very, *very* slight tinge of jealousy... I never expected stuff like that.

If you have the $$$, after a few weeks if the wierdness is still there... get councilling. You and the wife, if she wants, but you need to be able to talk to someone about what is going on, especially one who is non-judgemental (depending on where you live, big city or bible-belt, that may or may not be difficult).

AND...

Bubber... and anyone else who is the straight partner of a bi-spouse...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I'm there, too.

PolyLoveTriad
May 6, 2007, 7:11 PM
I have to agree with Vuarra.

OK I had to say something myself also. Maybe its just me, but for some reason I couldnt have been more in love with my husband the day I married him, the same I feel today several years later. Having sex with your wife and her gf shouldnt make you be more in love with her than ever. You should have already felt that way in the first place. Sorry its just disappointing when I see men say that about their wives after having threesomes. If youre falling in love even a tiny bit with her gf thats another reason to not be involved.

BESIDES that if you care at all, even a tinsy tiny bit for your wifes gf, think about HER and HER BF. Like O M G Id freak out if I was in his shoes. Youre showing him AND her a complete lack of respect. I dont mean to sound harsh, but cmon, she has a bf, if you continue this, and it ruins her relationship with him, how will you or your wife feel then?

Believe me, what the guy above me said is true. There will be a lot of crap that comes with a bi relationship. Many first time relationships dont last. Say her gf does something that makes you mad, therefore you want your wife to break it off? Or vice versa? Beleive me when I say, since your wife is "in love" let her have this to herself. It seems to me your main concern is you having sex with 2 women. Not the fact that your wife is bi and learning to find her true self.

Sorry, thats the way I feel.

I think a lot of people, especially straight men, think that being bisexual is all about sex. For some it certainly is. But at least for most women, I think being bisexual is about emotions, love, caring and sharing something with another woman that only another woman can understand or feel. Im sure theres bi men who feel this way as well.

PolyLoveTriad
May 6, 2007, 7:12 PM
Oh just an after thought here...

Does your wife or her gf know youre posting intimate details about them on here? LOL Sorry

anne27
May 6, 2007, 10:06 PM
My first bisexual experience was with a woman by herself and later she and her hubby joined my hubby and myself when we'd play. That was fine since there was no emotional attachment at all. The couple were very good friends of ours.
A few years later when I first started to feel an emotionaly attraction to a woman I had met online, I was concerned. Hubby and I had never played 'alone' and I didn't want my newfound relationship to be a group one. My worries were for nothing though, when my hubby told me that he wasn't going to butt in on my relationship with my g/f. It was truly a wonderful feeling to be able to be free in my bisexuality without having to share every intimite sexual event. I think my guy is a terrific man, not only for allowing me the freedom to be myself, but for understanding.
I have a g/f right now who I am very much in love with. If I had to share her with my hubby to keep him happy... well, I think I'd rather not be bisexual anymore.
:2cents:

shadowsaffinity
May 7, 2007, 12:16 AM
my partner and i are also polyamorous and have had polyamorous relationships for the past 2 years. we have been together for 7 years and 3 years into our relationship, i realized i was bi. my partner was very supportive from day one.

i find it incredibly offensive to call such a relationship an affair, because it is not. an affair involves cheating and hurting other people. a polyamorous relationship is just the opposite. my partner feels happy for me to be with another woman (compersion) because he knows how much it means to me and he loves me so much.

my partner is also bi. he has not yet dated any other guys, but we are open to the possibility. i feel incredibly happy when he has interest in guys and when he has a possible date set up.

in our case, we each only date the same sex and don't date the opposite sex since that is what we are most comfortable with.

it takes an enormous amount of love and trust though to deal with your partner also being with someone else, but it is possible to be very happy in such a relationship.

also it is very good to talk to everyone involved and decide on what everyone is expecting from the various relationships. having someone to talk to that is understanding can be very helpful of course, but not in the your relationship is going to fall apart way that someone else mentioned. it does not need to be that way.

polyamory is still very misunderstood. there are groups out there though, books too. i go to poly nyc sometimes and have found the meetings very helpful. it is nice to talk to other people who have been in similar situations for longer periods of time and learn from them.

oh and for my partner and i, we do not get involved sexually with each other's partners. it has happened, but only in special circumstances. in general, the woman is my girlfriend and my partner is just friends with her. for that reason i tend to find it most comfortable to date women who also have a long-term male partner so that we are coming from a similar situation with similar expectations.

good luck with your situation. it's not easy, but it can work, if you want it to.

teamnoir
May 7, 2007, 2:46 AM
You've fallen into one of the many pitfalls of having an open relationship that you gave permission to your wife to have.

Good luck getting out!

Be careful as I've seen marriages and relationships end since one partner wanted to have it closed/exclusive and go back to the way things once were and one partner wanted it open and refused to change.

BreeIsMe
May 7, 2007, 3:53 AM
Let me get this straight.
Your wife's gf is MARRIED with children!!!!, having an AFFAIR with another bf, seeing your wife AND YOU want to have her too???
Is there something wrong with this picture????????????

Way to many problems are waiting for you with this woman.

I would exit, stage left....

and your wife should seriously think about the implications of her "love" as well

Find someone who you both can be totally free with and then you and your wife decide whether you are involved or not. If she doesn't want you involved, then you better be ready to respect her wishes...

Bree

welickit
May 7, 2007, 4:56 PM
You spent most of your post talking about what you did and your feelings. We both think you should NOT have even been there in the first place. Obviously you can't deal with the situation. You need to back off and let them decide for themselves what is right. Otherwise you may find yourself single and they will find someone who can handle the situation to their terms.

teamnoir
May 7, 2007, 5:55 PM
Let me get this straight.
Your wife's gf is MARRIED with children!!!!, having an AFFAIR with another bf, seeing your wife AND YOU want to have her too???
Is there something wrong with this picture????????????

Way to many problems are waiting for you with this woman.

I would exit, stage left....

and your wife should seriously think about the implications of her "love" as well

Find someone who you both can be totally free with and then you and your wife decide whether you are involved or not. If she doesn't want you involved, then you better be ready to respect her wishes...

Bree

I agree with Bree, you have got in WAY over your head and you're letting this woman have an affair and cheat on her husband with your wife.

I'd also question the "love" that your wife and this woman have together.

I disagree with welickit and it IS your business since it's YOUR wife and YOUR marriage.

You gave her permission to have an open relationship and sleep with other people besides you. It's not your fault that she found a woman who wants to cheat and have an affair on her husband, and professes her "love" to your wife in such a fake manner.

I suggest that you have her end this "relationship" with this woman that has issues NOW! Do this before things get worse.

welickit
May 7, 2007, 7:19 PM
Read Team's profile before you take his advise. He may have three nuts.

teamnoir
May 7, 2007, 11:15 PM
Read Team's profile before you take his advise. He may have three nuts.

Go fuck yourselves, since nobody else will. :rolleyes:

You don't have Aspberger's syndrome so don't say that I have a "third nut" since you have no idea what you're talking about and it just makes you look like the idiots that you are when you paint those of us with mental health issues with such a broad brush of a blanket statement.

Unlike both of you I'm giving honest advice that what the original poster wrote about this woman set up red flags with me and Bree.

This woman has problems with fidelity, she's a cheater and a liar, and it's obvious that she does not "love" your wife as much as you do.

Ignore the ignorant swingers Bubber. :)

Long Duck Dong
May 7, 2007, 11:37 PM
as much as teamnoir and me don't agree on a number of things...... and his replies in this thread are blunt as hell..... I am agreeing with teamnoir

part of the danger of open marriages, is the people you bring in.....if they are not secure and stable, it can create a rift in your marriage.....

the * honeymoon period * or the first 3 months of any relationship situation is the fun time.... until the emotional cracks start appearing.....

the *gf's * partner is getting pissed off
the hubby doesn't know whats going on
your wife and her GF are surfing the honeymoon waves
you are noticing the fallout

enjoy the sexual experiences.... they are nice and fun....... but it may well be the straight part of the roller coaster ride.....

if your marriage survives this situation, try and take better care over partner choice....
my feeling is that the marriage will survive, but it will never be the same again....