Just a List of Some Jokes....

[Stinger78]

Hello people! I hope you are all doing well. So, this morning I was just kinda clicking about, just screwin' around, reading various pages and I came across a joke page. Here is a list of the ones I bothered to copy & paste in to a new text file. Enjoy! :-)

__________________________________________________ ___
Q: Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
A: So they can see the battlefield.

Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

Programmer.
A machine that turns coffee into code.

I could never fight a gay guy.
I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass...
I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up.

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

__________________________________________________ ___________

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
A: Snap-on tools!

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don't do dick!

Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in shit!

[Jazminedress]

I have done a few stand up routines, mostly where I make fun of myself..............so when I start, it goes like this.

So, for those of you that are drunk enough you haven't figured it out yet, yes I have a penis. Now, I know, some of you are sitting there going,(In a fake deep voice) I knew, I knew it all along, I was kidding when I said i would bang that, the rest of you are going, fuck it, I'd still hit it, you know who you are.
I get it is very hard to date someone like me, I mean, guys come, on, what is the number one excuse you use when you don't want to go to a relatives house for dinner ?
Car trouble right ?

Imagine calling your mom up, "Hey Mom, I can't come over, had another breakdown, yeah, I think I blew a tranny"
Gives a whole new meaning to the term road side assistance..............btw AAA don't cover that

(This usually breaks the ice with the guys..........then I go after the women)

So ladies, some of you are sitting there thinking, " I don't know why the guys are looking, it's all fake and make believe"

Well really bitches, you have so much make up on we could change your entire identity with a wet wipe. I mean come on, women are like (high pitched voice)
" I want a real man, you know, I don't like fake, he has to be real to be with me"

Seriously, push up bras, contour make up, breast impants, liposuction, corsets.......................and you demand a real man ?

Most times it starts the show off well

[Long Duck Dong]

Years ago in new zealand, there was a joke about gay males.... tho saying it now gets people slammed as homophobic.....

Background context is new zealand has a north and island island, connected by a 4 hour ferry trip on the interislander ferries, ( helps the joke make more sense )

Joke: if a north island gay and a south island gay got together and had a kid, what would it be ??? answer interisland fairy ( ferry )

Another joke was, what do the IRD ( tax dept ) the government and sex workers got in common??? answer, they will screw everybody....

What is the different between a gay male and a female???? answer, gay males fuck assholes, females marry them.....

if 3 males are having sex and one is the bottom, one is the top, what is the one in the middle called???? double adapter ( name for a dual inlet, one outlet power plug in NZ )


In new zealand, one of the common sayings was going outside to suck on a fag ( have a cig ) in the work place, while I know of many guys that went outside to suck on a fag, I can only wonder how many secretly went inside to do the same, at the local toilets......

[Jazminedress]

Y

In new zealand, one of the common sayings was going outside to suck on a fag ( have a cig ) in the work place, while I know of many guys that went outside to suck on a fag, I can only wonder how many secretly went inside to do the same, at the local toilets......

That must be common over Europe, same in England

[KDaddy23]

This made my day - and especially the computer part because I'm a retired systems engineer and programmer...

[Long Duck Dong]

That must be common over Europe, same in England

very possible.....maybe darkeyes could shed some light on that, shes in the uk or any of our other UK based members.....


not quite a joke, but the other day I was in town with my trans son, at a cafe and they were trying to do a crossword....one clue they read out, was along the lines of sticks for fires......and I said faggot....and promptly got some very opinionated person get in my face about using offensive terms for LGBT+ and who the F did I think I was.........

I politely responded with I am the dad who is helping my trans son with their crossword, and dealing with a cumberground gobermouch so would you mind not being a fustilarian gnashgab and go back to eating your lubberwort.......

The person in question immediately went into a red faced rant about how I was simply making up words to be more of an asshole and a few other rude things, the manager asked the other person to please leave......and I said what about me? he said I have no bloody idea what you said to the person.....so I told him......

Cumberground: A person so useless that they are basically a waste of space
Gobermouch: A nosy, interfering person who is always sticking their nose into things that do not concern them
Fustilarian: A person who wastes time on useless causes
Gnashgab: A incessant complainer
Lubberwort: a fictional plant that causes stupidity in any person that eats it.....

They are from shakespeare and olde english insults.....

I have my rare moments but that was one of them....managing to make nearly a whole cafe of customers burst out laughing when they realised what I had called the person..... a few said they wished they had recorded it for FB and tiktok because they had never seen anybody with comebacks like I did.....

[darkeyes]

Not my expertise, Duckie.. It happens, just as women having it away in club and pub toilets happens, but don't ask me how common it is. I'm not in the habit of frequenting men's loos!!

[Jazminedress]

very possible.....maybe darkeyes could shed some light on that, shes in the uk or any of our other UK based members.....


not quite a joke, but the other day I was in town with my trans son, at a cafe and they were trying to do a crossword....one clue they read out, was along the lines of sticks for fires......and I said faggot....and promptly got some very opinionated person get in my face about using offensive terms for LGBT+ and who the F did I think I was.........

I politely responded with I am the dad who is helping my trans son with their crossword, and dealing with a cumberground gobermouch so would you mind not being a fustilarian gnashgab and go back to eating your lubberwort.......

The person in question immediately went into a red faced rant about how I was simply making up words to be more of an asshole and a few other rude things, the manager asked the other person to please leave......and I said what about me? he said I have no bloody idea what you said to the person.....so I told him......

Cumberground: A person so useless that they are basically a waste of space
Gobermouch: A nosy, interfering person who is always sticking their nose into things that do not concern them
Fustilarian: A person who wastes time on useless causes
Gnashgab: A incessant complainer
Lubberwort: a fictional plant that causes stupidity in any person that eats it.....

They are from shakespeare and olde english insults.....

I have my rare moments but that was one of them....managing to make nearly a whole cafe of customers burst out laughing when they realised what I had called the person..... a few said they wished they had recorded it for FB and tiktok because they had never seen anybody with comebacks like I did.....

Damn, I learned something today

[Jazminedress]

Not my expertise, Duckie.. It happens, just as women having it away in club and pub toilets happens, but don't ask me how common it is. I'm not in the habit of frequenting men's loos!!

You dont want too, trust me, you dont want too.................the number of men who do not understand to wash their hands afterwards, you would never shake hands again

[jjourneyman]

Thank God we still have a sense of humor! Great stuff!

[jjourneyman]

Hello people! I hope you are all doing well. So, this morning I was just kinda clicking about, just screwin' around, reading various pages and I came across a joke page. Here is a list of the ones I bothered to copy & paste in to a new text file. Enjoy! :-)

__________________________________________________ ___
Q: Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
A: So they can see the battlefield.

Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

Programmer.
A machine that turns coffee into code.

I could never fight a gay guy.
I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass...
I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up.

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

__________________________________________________ ___________

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
A: Snap-on tools!

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don't do dick!

Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in shit!

Thanks Stinger78! I needed a laugh today!