Debating about turning my marriage into a Poly relationship, thoughts???

[justcurious4me]

Hey ya'll... I've been away from the site for a little while and have come back for a little bit of help and good friend/friend chat... I've been married to my wife for over 13 years now and have some great highs and some terrible lows like any other marriage, but we've toughed them out and have become a better couple for it... However recently, we have come to a curious turn of events. My wife has had some horrible medical circumstances for the later half of our marriage that has made us do some serious thinking about our sex lives. My wife has been stricken with several conditions such as degenerative joint disease, lupus and most notably a recent near scare with ovarian cancer. She has continuous degrading of her mobility (hips, knees and lower spine) and has totally lost her libido... We have been seeing some of the best doctors in the country to help get her back up on her feet. She is a very strong willed person and I greatly admire her for that... Over the past couple of years we have been discussing opening our relationship to another person (man or woman) for me. She understands my needs and has told me that she supports me in finding someone else. However, I have been very skeptical/nervous in following through with it... That is until recently, I have finally found someone that I want to be with. She is a friend to both me and my wife (old childhood friend of mine). I have been hearing that Poly relationships have been starting to become more mainstream in the US (actually saw an article on CNN saying this a couple of months back), whether due to medical, financial or emotional reasons... Hey I fully get the, "to each their own" saying... I even have a near and dear ex-girlfriend that is in a poly-relationship now... I guess what I'm asking is what are your thoughts on this and where can I find more information on poly-relationships? As always to my responders, thank you for your honest inputs and advice...

BTW, is anyone else having issues typing on this site? For some reason, this is the only site that my keyboard has issues with... Intermittent unresponsiveness with text entry... Thanks!!!

[Rambigent]

Opening up your marriage can work for sure. It's all about communication, which it sounds like you have in your relationship. Sorry to hear about your wife's health issues, I hope things improve for her. It's great that she is willing to discuss you having a sexual relationship with someone else, and it's also great that you've found someone you think will work in your dynamic. Just remember to keep up the communication, set any ground rules that either of you feel are needed, and stick to those rules. Try to anticipate and deal with issues before they happen: how much time will this other relationship take? Is it going to be purely sexual? If your wife's libido suddenly comes back, will you continue the relationship with your childhood friend? How will all three of you deal with jealousy? These are just a few issues that could come up. My best advice is to talk the shit out of everything, before and during you opening up your marriage.

My own marriage has been open for, wow, nearly ten years now. Most of our outside relationships have been purely sexual escapades with friends (and occasionally strangers) but my wife has recently fallen in love with one of her play partners and is in a serious relationship with him. The three of us do a lot of talking and checking in with each other. It's not always easy, but neither is your typical, traditional, "vanilla" relationship.

There are a number of great online resources about polyamory, as well as some very useful books. I'd recommend the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easten and Catherine Liszt, and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. I also enjoy the Poly Weekly podcast...there's usually a little something thought-provoking in every episode, even if the topic is not really up your alley. I think you can find plenty of food for thought just from checking some of the message boards online for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

Good luck in this new path on your life, I hope if works out and is rewarding for everyone involved!

[NakedInSeattle]

If all 3 of you go into it with your eyes wide open and with plenty of communication, you have my blessing. No, really go for it.

[HappyHedonic]

Here is some suggested research sites for you: http://polyweekly.com http://www.morethantwo.com http://www.pepperminty.com http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/2096/sex-out-loud

An open marriage has worked very well for us for the past 4 years, but it takes work. Good luck!

[bityme]

[QUOTE=justcurious4me;272366]My wife has had some horrible medical circumstances for the later half of our marriage that has made us do some serious thinking about our sex lives. Over the past couple of years we have been discussing opening our relationship to another person (man or woman) for me. She understands my needs and has told me that she supports me in finding someone else. I have finally found someone that I want to be with. She is a friend to both me and my wife (old childhood friend of mine). I have been hearing that Poly relationships have been starting to become more mainstream . . . what are your thoughts on this . . ./QUOTE]

Having gone through the loss of two wives to cancer, I understand much of the challenges you have, and will continue to, face. Both of these past wives were Bi, as is my third spouse so open communication is not new to me. As their conditions worsened, we had discussions similar to those you relate, however, I'm not sure about what you are asking.

Your question is about a poly relationship, but you talk about another lady you want to be with. Are you contemplating a triad with all three of you living together or you having a friend with benefits outside of the marriage? I have always viewed a poly relationship as one in which all parties had equal emotional and sexual attraction to all other partners so my response will be from that perspective.

Finding a third party who has the same devotion to your current wife that you do will be extremely difficult. It may be very hard for the disabled spouse to adjust to another person taking over those things she used to do. Over time, excluding her from any activities because of her disabilities may produce additional adjustment problems. While all of my wives and I were, or are, engaged in swinging, as their conditions worsened our lifestyle playmates decreased and ultimately ceased all contact. Bringing someone else home just never worked out when the wife was unable to join us and liaisons outside the house became very few and far between. I found that no matter how understanding and supportive my wives were of my desires being fulfilled, they couldn't completely hide the hurt they experienced knowing someone else was taking her place even for a short period of time. Female playmates for me were harder on them than male playmates.

I hope that you are able to work things out. I would only give one caution, no matter how understanding your wife seems to be or how good you think your open communication is, spend a lot of time analyzing her body language and voice tone because if she is as good as you say she is, she will eventually withhold he true feelings so she won't hurt hers (like you have already done with her).

[Visexual]

I have enough problems living with one person. We’ve been married for 42 years and my most enjoyable times are now when she’s out of town. I can’t even imagine living with two people.

She knows that I’m friends with one bisexual friend and is OK with it. In fact, she’s encouraged me to go be with him occasionally.

I’m not sure if she knows that another friend and I are having sex but, if she does, she doesn’t mind. I think I’ll just keep my sexual activities on a part-time basis.

[matutum]

have her take ojibwa tea of life- get mine from Heritage Enterprises in Colorado- I would worry about my wife- giving to her is more important than sex- but you will do what u want to do anyway

[justcurious4me]

Opening up your marriage can work for sure. It's all about communication, which it sounds like you have in your relationship. Sorry to hear about your wife's health issues, I hope things improve for her. It's great that she is willing to discuss you having a sexual relationship with someone else, and it's also great that you've found someone you think will work in your dynamic. Just remember to keep up the communication, set any ground rules that either of you feel are needed, and stick to those rules. Try to anticipate and deal with issues before they happen: how much time will this other relationship take? Is it going to be purely sexual? If your wife's libido suddenly comes back, will you continue the relationship with your childhood friend? How will all three of you deal with jealousy? These are just a few issues that could come up. My best advice is to talk the shit out of everything, before and during you opening up your marriage. My own marriage has been open for, wow, nearly ten years now. Most of our outside relationships have been purely sexual escapades with friends (and occasionally strangers) but my wife has recently fallen in love with one of her play partners and is in a serious relationship with him. The three of us do a lot of talking and checking in with each other. It's not always easy, but neither is your typical, traditional, "vanilla" relationship. There are a number of great online resources about polyamory, as well as some very useful books. I'd recommend the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easten and Catherine Liszt, and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. I also enjoy the Poly Weekly podcast...there's usually a little something thought-provoking in every episode, even if the topic is not really up your alley. I think you can find plenty of food for thought just from checking some of the message boards online for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. Good luck in this new path on your life, I hope if works out and is rewarding for everyone involved! Life changes can always be difficult. I know that this one has been scary as hell... The primary reason for that is that my wife and I are not necessarily the greatest at communication and I REALLY don't want her to get the wrong message through this... One book that I would definitely recommend to anyone having communication issues with their loved ones is called, "The 5 Love Languages". Although the book's content is not in the subject realm of this website. It is for anyone that would love to improve the communications and understanding within any relationship at any stage (heathy or not)... Thank for your recommondations. I will look for those books and enjoy some good reading!!! As for my new relationship... I hope get to a point within the three of us that we are all living together... Yes, I do plan to make it a serious relationship. With my wife's health decreasing, there is the understanding that she can't be with me in the ways that I would love and she knows that despite any futher issues I would never just leave her... She knows the person well that I want to be with and honestly, in the long run, if things go well with this new relationship, that it will provide my wife with some reassurance that she knows who both me and my children will be around and be able to see that caring and support. As far as the logistics of activities for all people involved, I'm sure that there will be times that there will be places that she can't follow... But isn't that the same if I were to just "go out with the guys" or if she would have "a girl's night out"? Honestly, I think that this will make things better for us because that will help ensure that we all have our own separate space time as well as our together time (both as a couple and as a triad)... You are dead on though... It just comes down to communication!!! Thank you again for replying!!! :)

[justcurious4me]

have her take ojibwa tea of life- get mine from Heritage Enterprises in Colorado- I would worry about my wife- giving to her is more important than sex- but you will do what u want to do anyway What is this "Ojibwa Tea of Life"? You have piqued my interest!!! Hehehehe.... Thank you for your response...

[justcurious4me]

[QUOTE=justcurious4me;272366]My wife has had some horrible medical circumstances for the later half of our marriage that has made us do some serious thinking about our sex lives. Over the past couple of years we have been discussing opening our relationship to another person (man or woman) for me. She understands my needs and has told me that she supports me in finding someone else. I have finally found someone that I want to be with. She is a friend to both me and my wife (old childhood friend of mine). I have been hearing that Poly relationships have been starting to become more mainstream . . . what are your thoughts on this . . ./QUOTE] Having gone through the loss of two wives to cancer, I understand much of the challenges you have, and will continue to, face. Both of these past wives were Bi, as is my third spouse so open communication is not new to me. As their conditions worsened, we had discussions similar to those you relate, however, I'm not sure about what you are asking. Your question is about a poly relationship, but you talk about another lady you want to be with. Are you contemplating a triad with all three of you living together or you having a friend with benefits outside of the marriage? I have always viewed a poly relationship as one in which all parties had equal emotional and sexual attraction to all other partners so my response will be from that perspective. Finding a third party who has the same devotion to your current wife that you do will be extremely difficult. It may be very hard for the disabled spouse to adjust to another person taking over those things she used to do. Over time, excluding her from any activities because of her disabilities may produce additional adjustment problems. While all of my wives and I were, or are, engaged in swinging, as their conditions worsened our lifestyle playmates decreased and ultimately ceased all contact. Bringing someone else home just never worked out when the wife was unable to join us and liaisons outside the house became very few and far between. I found that no matter how understanding and supportive my wives were of my desires being fulfilled, they couldn't completely hide the hurt they experienced knowing someone else was taking her place even for a short period of time. Female playmates for me were harder on them than male playmates. I hope that you are able to work things out. I would only give one caution, no matter how understanding your wife seems to be or how good you think your open communication is, spend a lot of time analyzing her body language and voice tone because if she is as good as you say she is, she will eventually withhold he true feelings so she won't hurt hers (like you have already done with her). Bityme... My most sincerest condolences for both of your wives that had cancer... My heart goes out to you... I have just recently had to go through it with a coworkers who is a great friend... It is a very rough thing to go through. Although my wife does not have cancer (thank God it was just a bad scare - ovarian cancer)... With her Lupus it's like watching her get slowly picked apart until there is nothing left (like cancer). I guess this is one of the main reasons we had decided to open our relationship... Since she realized that I cannot go on forever without having that connection (emotionally as well as physically), she has been supportive of me finding someone else... I will never leave her side... I will always ensure that she will have that shoulder (however screwed up my shoulders are - two surgeries in the past 6 months) to lean on and be there for her... That is one small reason that I chose my childhood friend to be with... She understands that I have that connection and that I will not just put her out on the street for a better life for myself... My friend respects that, thus giving strength to the bond between all three of us... And my friend is very supportive to my wife as well (this of course is another major plus)... For those reasons I hope that we could all live together... Although yes I have had that physical attraction to my friend for well over 25 years and I do plan on doing something about that!!! Quite honestly, if we could all fit in the same bed, I'm sure there would be no issues (with or without the sex)... Hehehe... They are both pretty good friends. :)

[stonebow]

My lady and I don't have the health issues that plague your marriage but we DO have good friends with whom we occasionally play. Knowing that each of us is free to be intimate with those other friends has not been a cause of any friction between us as we are firmly committed to one another. As I like to say; we belong WITH each other, not TO each other. Good and caring friends can make for great lovers.....the cohabiting aspect of what you are contemplating may be a bit trickier though. Sometimes even the best of friends can't be room-mates.

[bityme]

[QUOTE=bityme;272386] With her Lupus it's like watching her get slowly picked apart until there is nothing left

Conventional pharmaceuticals only seem to treat symptoms, never the disease itself. I'm currently doing research on Rick Simpson oil. Not only have there been documented cures for reported for cancer, there are a number of other conditions suffered by people that have reported either a cure or improved life, among those is Lupus. I know how debilitating Lupus can be and I would strongly recommend taking a look at the possibilities.

[JUSTLUVIN]

To everyone on this post, does anyone have any stats about the growing number of bi men going outside of the marriage for sex? It seems to me I am meeting more married guys who have been thinking about it. I only had one experience with a couple about 12 years ago when they confessed that the wife had bi tendencies but both of them wanted to explore. I had sex with his wife with his approval and he eventually wanted to try with me an him but he wasn't as interested in that. She eventually found a gf to add to their relationship.

[pole_smoker]

If you have any questions about doing this, DO NOT have or attempt an open relationship as this will only harm you and your wife's relationship with each other and your marriage together.

Your wife has lupus. Enjoy your time with each other while you still can. A marriage or relationship is not all about sex, or getting your personal sexual needs met. It can be difficult enough having a relationship with just one person, and your wife who has Lupus does not need the added stress of having another person added, or having you divert yourself onto another person besides her.

[void()]

If you have any questions about doing this, DO NOT have or attempt an open relationship as this will only harm you and your wife's relationship with each other and your marriage together.

Your wife has lupus. Enjoy your time with each other while you still can. A marriage or relationship is not all about sex, or getting your personal sexual needs met. It can be difficult enough having a relationship with just one person, and your wife who has Lupus does not need the added stress of having another person added, or having you divert yourself onto another person besides her.

While I very much agree with this view, I would add only if you and your wife communicate, and only then if you both agree would I suggest going outside. This is a choice for you both. It requires you to both communicate openly and honestly with one another.

This is the same way I feel even if there were no infirmity present. If the couple agrees and communicates with honesty, it is not "cheating" inmho. Aside from what I appended, I feel much in line with pole_smoker. Enjoy the time you have left together. Any "itches" can wait to be scratched later.

[biinlou]

I would say, someone is definitely going to get screwed in this deal. Pardon the pun. There are ways to express your love for one and other, without dragging in a stranger into your proverbial bedroom.


Thanks,


Binlou

[tenni]

I wonder if a same sex couple would be less conflicted about opening the relationship? I recently met a man whose partner has had cancer for two years and his body has been severely impacted so that it is painful for him to move. He needs assistance to get out of bed. He asks his partner repeatedly if he (healthy partner) is taking care of himself. The partner interprets this to include sexual activity. They already had an open relationship. I have heard of these unspoken and spoken agreements between men (usually gay). I wonder why the advice given so far raises concerned about opening a relationship between cross gender relationships. I don't know how many same sex male relationships have open relationships compared to more closed relationships but there does seem to be a difference in concern. I could be wrong.

[EmailOnly]

Gay or straight there is room for all in a Poly relationship..
Polygamy...... 1 M many wives
Polyandry... 1 W many husbands
Which would you like to be in?
Mmmmmmmmmm
Whats the word for swapping.. I love having a 4-some with a neighbor couple

[pole_smoker]

I wonder if a same sex couple would be less conflicted about opening the relationship? I recently met a man whose partner has had cancer for two years and his body has been severely impacted so that it is painful for him to move. He needs assistance to get out of bed. He asks his partner repeatedly if he (healthy partner) is taking care of himself. The partner interprets this to include sexual activity. They already had an open relationship. I have heard of these unspoken and spoken agreements between men (usually gay). I wonder why the advice given so far raises concerned about opening a relationship between cross gender relationships. I don't know how many same sex male relationships have open relationships compared to more closed relationships but there does seem to be a difference in concern. I could be wrong.

Gay male friends of mine have told me that the majority of same gender relationships or marriages that are open do not last or work out, and how it's not a healthy relationship as somebody or both people always wind up getting hurt since one or both people wind up lying, cheating, or hurting someone emotionally, and jealousy does happen. It's also the same way for relationships between a woman and a man where it's open.

[tenni]

Well, Top Fucker, the same gender couples that I know with open relationships two have lasted over twenty years and the third I think is over ten years. Maybe it is the water...lol

[JUSTLUVIN]

My own marriage has been open for, wow, nearly ten years now. Most of our outside relationships have been purely sexual escapades with friends (and occasionally strangers) but my wife has recently fallen in love with one of her play partners and is in a serious relationship with him. The three of us do a lot of talking and checking in with each other. It's not always easy, but neither is your typical, traditional, "vanilla" relationship.



If I may ask you mentioned she was falling in love with the other. How has that been for the relationship between you and her?

[JUSTLUVIN]

Gay male friends of mine have told me that the majority of same gender relationships or marriages that are open do not last or work out, and how it's not a healthy relationship as somebody or both people always wind up getting hurt since one or both people wind up lying, cheating, or hurting someone emotionally, and jealousy does happen. It's also the same way for relationships between a woman and a man where it's open.

I tend to agree but it also comes back to communication. I think you will find that many couples lack that kind of communication to make it work. Plus society still sees couples in monogamous relationships so when you go on outings where 2 people are to be together and not 3, it becomes a question of who is left out. There was a couple I almost got in a poly relationship with and the wife was all for it then after a month the man just was not feeling comfortable with it. We are still friends though and not much happened.

Also, regarding communication, just because you make your case known to your partner does not mean they fully comprehend or understand. Another case in point, I have a gay friend who was approached by a male friend of his who was married and they have known each other for some 15 years. His friend told his wife that he was interested in exploring sex with a guy and was wondering if she minded since she was not interested in sex. She did not object. So when this guy asked my friend he said okay and his friend told his wife. Needless to say they "communicated" but when reality hit, they got in a big argument and as of this moment I don't know what will happen. I am actually more concerned about my gay friend because I don't want him to feel like he is just being used.

Great question to post by the way and love hearing the responses form others

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hey Just.:} Talk it over with your lady and get her views on this. Start out slow, and go from there.
Kisses, you handsome Devil you! Best of luck.
Yer Cat

[JUSTLUVIN]

Hey Just.:} Talk it over with your lady and get her views on this. Start out slow, and go from there.
Kisses, you handsome Devil you! Best of luck.
Yer Cat

Aw Cherokee, you are so kind...I return the favor :}