Porn use

[1234?]

Hi - I'm the straight female partner of a bi guy. We're deeply in love and recently moved in together. After some misunderstandings and grief I've come to understand that he 'needs' a lot of porn time. One the one hand I understand a certain amount of porn, and we've agreed no interaction with real people, even over the internet, that's our boundary - but on the other I find it difficult to cope with.

We're not going out of our relationship at the moment, although we plan to have threesomes in the future, which we're both looking forward to, but he's the one setting the pace at the moment, and it looks like quite a while before anything happens. He's having to balance his porn use with me, and I'm ending up with the short straw at times, less now we've talked about it but I know that it's a consideration for him as my sex drive is high. When we talked about it he did say I could find a fwb to pick up the slack, but on further talking I could tell he didn't really like the idea, so it's not going to happen.

So, right now I'm not getting enough sex, and he's using up sexual time and energy he could be using on me. I know sometimes the porn he looks at is stuff I wouldn't like (although I do understand the reasons for the porn getting more extreme) and when we tried sharing porn it didn't work. Firstly because he felt judged when I didn't like something, and secondly because he unfavourably compared me to one of the women. Recently I've become suspicious that he's visiting cam websites, and perhaps paying for stuff. Would this break our rule? I mean, they're real people, but not real at the same time. Guys, please can you tell me how porn is for you? I don't understand why he would want that instead of me, or me and another bi guy. It makes me feel neglected and rejected although he's a wonderful and exciting lover. Am I being too demanding or sensitive?

Any thoughts would help, I suspect that looking at if from a womans point of view isn't helping much.

[cbb83]

Does he masturbate a lot to the porn? If so, keep in mind that masturbation can be an addiction. If he's just looking at it as a hobby or something and only occasionally masturbating (if at all), it's probably harmless, but if he's whackin' it like a horny gibbon all the time when you're right there ready and willing - there's a problem.

[Gearbox]

What kind of 'extreme' porn do you mean, and how did he unfairly compare you?

[1234?]

Cbb83 - Yes, he's masturbating. He's described it as almost a separate sexual experience. There's no performance anxiety or having to worry about the other person and he can have multiple orgasms, edging for hours at a time. Oddly enough it does mean the sex we have is pretty lengthy and awesome, but there isn't enough for me. I know he's trying hard to balance things, but I can feel rejected at times. Porn does little for me, and masturbating alone is pretty unsatisfying so I can't understand what he's getting out of it. It may be addiction, but could it just be a male mind, a bisexual males mind who's not expressing all of his sexuality at the moment?

Gearbox - I'm not really sure, we looked at his porn once and I found some of it unsettling due to the way the women were treated. I'm not submissive at all, and seeing women being pushed around, abused and looking drugged really makes me angry, so, not much of a turn on! lol But that was what he decided to show me. He's explained to me that what happens is that when normal porn becomes routine then he seeks out something different and riskier, and on and on. He's very reluctant to share now. He's been doing this for years, I've no idea what he's looking at, perhaps that's part of the problem. Another part of the problem is my sensitivity to feeling rejected or not good enough. He was showing me a clip and commented that 'this woman is like you on steriods' When I asked what he meant he said 'she squirts a foot in the air, I've never seen you do that' Yes, I have multiple orgasms and squirt, but not like a porn actor, if that's what they're actually doing in the first place. Perhaps his comment wasn't so bad? Perhaps I overreacted, which wasn't much really, I just got quiet but he knew, and it properly killed the moment. Am I a whiny, needy bitch? God, I hope not, I just want us to be in sync with each other, I don't object to the porn, masturbation on principle, just how it affects me.

[elian]

When you say he's being doing this for years, that's a sign to me that either it's an addicition or it's just what he has grown used to. Real sex is not porn, it might take him a while to realize that. I would be very unhappy too but I am at a loss to offer any really helpful advice.

Either he is going to make room for you in his life or he's not. I think it's selfish to mastrubate DAILY when you've got a perfectly willing lover standing right next to you (assuming that you both take proper precautions if you aren't interested in having children.)

He's just going to have to understand that you are very willing to have sex but you aren't willing to attach electrodes to your nipples and clothespins on your clit!

This may sound a little brash but if he's got a raging hard on from porn, and it's from watching ladies - why doesn't he finish by making himself feel good with you? Not that I am suggesting that you are an object to be used like a sex toy rather than appreciated but it's a thought.

Does he understand that it's OKAY if you both don't "perform" every time? ...and can he keep his hands off himself long enough to feel excited about being with you? There's more to life than just sex, but that's all you asked about so I can't really say anything else.

[matutum]

you get tired of seeing other have sex,he will get burned out sexually.I don't want to hear others saying this is bs!tell him what u want in your relationship.if u don't communicate you guys are done....

[1234?]

elian - thanks for the reply. I think it's mixture of what he's grown used to and a sort of addiction. He's aware that it's not real sex, but it's a type of sex that he can't have while I'm around. So he'll stay up late while I go to bed (not my favourite) or he spends a significant amount of time at home alone because of the differing hours we work. Problem is that he can over do his time alone, leaving him with little energy/motivation for me at times (not all the time) or sometimes simply miscalculating it. He's trying though, and we bought a sheath he can use when the mind is willing but the body isn't, but I don't really find it a satisfactory compromise. Sure I get to have penetration, but it's not all about that for me. I'm starting to sound like a nymphomaniac here! I'm not, I don't think, but sex 4/5 times a week with a really long afternoon in bed as one of them would do it for me, but for him fitting it all in is impossible I think.

We do know that there's more to life than sex, and everything else is fine, but we are both very sexually motivated people, it's what brought us together in the first place, and this is where the mismatch shows up now we're living together.

[1234?]

matutum - we do communicate, a lot, and we're very, very happy in the big sense. I've posted because I want to get a guys point of view on porn to help me with the communication. We will talk about it, but I need some understanding of what he's feeling and what he gets from it. It's hard for him to talk to me about it, he loves me and wants to protect me, and protect his privacy too I'm sure, I just want to see if someone else can help me to understand him better.

[elian]

Motivation for watching porn? Since I am single and away from the one I love I can relate to that question.

When I was younger I used to mastrubate a lot for stress relief or if I was just plain horny.

There's just something about watching a person alone or a couple really enjoying themselves - it's like you are watching someone at their most vulnerable point - all of that tension builds and literally erupts and you can see the relief and the ecstasy wash over them..they do lose control - either alone or in each other. There is just something psychologically satisfying to me about watching that.

I grew up thinking that sex is someithng that is taboo, so it is exciting to me to want to see other people enjoying themselves..some of them even film it willingly. :)

I prefer amateur porn, that shows the actual act and the actual orgasm. The pro stuff really is too fake for me.

Scenes of people enjoying themselves while someone else pleasures them make me very excited but scenes of obvious human subjugation are an absolute turn off for me.. If you aren't enjoying what you are doing or you are obviously too young to know what affect sex is going to have on your life then I am not interested.

If any adult could give sex freely and consentually without repurcussions then I would say that there is no need for porn, but until then there will always be repressed sexual tension in our society and as much as it may objectify people it probably has a place in society whether we want to admit it or not. I recently saw a clip that reminded me of my mother and I was disgusted - kind of peculiar reaction because you know that the people on there are SOMEBODY'S mother - or likely to be one day. I don't know - human nature is such that people have needs or desires I guess..

It's a double edged thing for me because I know that human trafficking is very real and harms a lot of people. Then again if I see a lone man or woman or a couple experimenting and enjoying themselves without reservation - well it just makes me happy, and it feels good - and right now I don't have anyone I can physically share that with so..

If I actually had someone physically here I would want to do everything I could to show that person that I cared for them and they are wanted - so if they asked me to I would forgo porn..as long as they provide some sort of other outlet for those desires. The caveat is that I would only be in a relationship with a partner that understood I had the capacity to feel attraction toward someone regardless of what is between their legs...if they couldn't accept that, even if I never acted on those feelings, I might feel as though I couldn't be my full self.

A relationship where you always have to be constantly afraid of offending the other person isn't much of a relationship at all. You either work to love and accept each other or you don't. I poke and prod my boyfriend probably more than I should but sometimes I think that maybe he didn't have enough male role models growing up that showed him love and encouraged him to reach his full potential .. I hope he can forgive me and still know that I love him.

That dual attraction is often a lot for another partner to bear, my feelings would vary based on just how much I was attracted to the partner and serious about settling down.

My boyfriend and I have an agreement - we don't OWN each other like pieces of property - when my heart is filled with joy and love and just wanting to be in the presence of the other person - I share it - that is the "bond" that holds us together. He was probably the first man that ever loved and consistently accepted me for just being the way that I am (and showed that affection in an adult way) - that means a lot to me, it means that whatever the circumstances, even if we can't always be together physically he will always have a place in my heart. Falling in love with your best friend is nice. There is just something uplifting, knowing that you have someone that loves you THAT much cheering for you when life throws you a bunch of crap.

[elian]

I'm starting to sound like a nymphomaniac here!

Aww - don't worry - sex is a normal and natural part of life. It is good to feel good and to want to feel good with and about yourself and others! (can someone please tell the fundamentalists?)

Like most things in life moderation is a good idea, even good things can be detrimental if abused.

[1234?]

Thanks elian. I think I feel that double edged sword you mention, but that he doesn't, so sharing his porn is difficult. Besides, I'm more interested in how men view porn when they're using it alone as that's what I have most difficulty with. I echo your thoughts on falling in love with your best friend, that's what he is to me, but I don't think I could ask him to give it up. I really want to understand his point of view better so I can decide what to do, either talk to him or just work on getting over it myself. I also want to do everything I can to show him that I care for him, and this is part of what I want to give, if I can. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on porn, it doesn't sound so intense and all consuming as I fear.

I'm interested to hear other points of view too, even if you think I might not like what you're telling me, I can process information through the filter of our relationship, it all helps.

[elian]

I told you about the psychological motivations I feel, but there is one other important thing from a male point of view - the amount of risk vs. reward in mastrubating to porn is very favorable.

Compared to sex in a "normal" relationship:

- There is very little emotional investment required.
- You don't have to put yourself out there to be rejected.
- You don't have to promise a stable home life and children for 50+ years.
- You don't have to risk an unintended preganacy.
- You don't have to risk getting a sexually transmitted disease.

..and you can still get off ..

Is it selfish? Yes, probably - and ultimately not as "fullfilling" as the real thing but sometimes people do selfish things..especially when the risk vs. reward is favorable to them.

The sex drive is one of our basic biological drives and it causes fundemental desires. Just like with other things in our environment, our body recognizes, adapts and becomes accustomed to certain situations that produce sexual arousal. It may take a little while for the idea of what triggers arousal in your partner to change.

[Gearbox]

Your partner sounds like he wants to be a big powerfull stud who's MASSIVE cock and raging labido is feared by sub women that he doms. Your not exactly helping him out by demanding MORE sex!lol YOU are more dom than him in reality. If you play your cards right, you may get more sex with a little acting. Fek the pushing about bit, but play along with his porn identity. Make out your nervouse around him due to his MASSIVE cock (without laughing!lol), and his powerfull thighs, his rough sexual nature etc. Ask if he's been working out coz you notice how big and strong he's looking in those cloths etc. Play down your sex drive and convince him that its HIM who gets you horny every time. Tell him that you really have to struggle to take his MASSIVE cock, and that you worry about it hurting you etc. DON'T LAUGH!lol A bit of acting might do the trick, as %99.9 of women know too well.lol

[cbb83]

As to guys and porn: for some it's a tool for some it's a hobby. You either use it to help get your rocks off or you just enjoy seeing it in the same way someone else likes browsing an art gallery. Your boyfriend is also right, to an extent, in that once you've seen a lot of porn - you do look around for kinky porn (for sheer entertainment value if nothing else). Usually your natural tastes will cause you to reject a fair portion of it (and embrace other parts); it's when it's coupled with a masturbation addiction (or some other psychological issue) that it gets out of hand. For the masturbation addiction part, honestly you get over-sexed and its gets more difficult to get off that way -- in response you look for different kinds of porn that might make it easier (or so you hope). It can eventually lead to trying the things you see, but it's not guaranteed.

Another thing (and you don't have to answer this, and in fact for his privacy I suggest you not) to tumble around in your mind -- does he satisfy, or at least thinks he satisfies, you? Preferring masturbation to actual sex can be brought on by performance anxiety. Also maybe he's got a kink or two that he wants to exercise but feels uncomfortable admitting to you. In either case, his answer needs to be brought into the open so that you two can see if it is one or the other and discuss your options. I hope you two can resolve your issues!

[zigzig]

Just try to watch porn together. :) Then you two would be involved.

[twoforone16]

You could try bring a Bi-man in the picture and tell he watch some live porn

[1234?]

Gearbox - I'm afraid you're on the wrong track there, one of the things that he initially liked about me was I take it like a porn star when he's in that mood. But he has several moods in the bedroom, and sometimes it's me who's in control, and he loves it. Our actual sex life is exciting, diverse and pretty kinky. He suggested we buy a sheath for him, for when the old chap's not up to it :) so we did, and I can get 2 more inches any time I want! He really doesn't have any ego that way at all, and he's most definitely not dom, although I do think that he found most of his 'technique' from porn until we met. We've been together for 6 years so he'll know something is up if I start acting that way, he already knows that I can't resist any little bit of him.

cbb83 - thanks for the insight, I've a feeling that there's several things coming into play for him, it's helping to get different viewpoints though, I really appreciate your comments. And as for your question, see above.