Father's letter disowning gay son goes viral

[Brian]

From Canada's The Globe and Mail newspaper...

On Tuesday, a handwritten letter (http://imgur.com/pCrHU) was posted to Reddit, the social news sharing site, under the title "5 years ago, I was disowned via letter when I came out to my father. This is how hate sounds."

Seemingly written by a father to his gay son James, the words are damning and hurtful.

"I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle," the letter reads, before proceeding to inform James that he is no longer welcome in the family home. "Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No communications at all."

More... (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/fathers-letter-disowning-gay-son-goes-viral/article4469119/)

Thankfully, my coming out was the exact opposite - nothing but support.

- Drew :paw:

[elian]

Oh Drew, I am glad too that my parents accepted me for who I was. That is why I am so passionate about promoting fiath and love when it comes to issues of self esteem, especially regarding sexuality. I'm sure you've heard my story more than once now.. No child should be forced to live life alone. I wonder how many years ago this letter was written? I never really did get along with my stepfathers, didn't know how to relate - the hobbies they enjoyed I really wasn't into. It made for some strained and awkward conversations, some angry ones too. A lot of it revolving around my OWN idea that I wasn't good enough and an incessant desire to escape that thought by trying to do what I thought would please others. There are some words, once said - that can never really be taken back. It is a hard lesson to learn. Life really is too short to live angry and disappointed. I hope that eventually this man reconciled with his son but I know there are plenty of instances where that doesn't happen.

[_Joe_]

As a bi-father, I never came out to my parents when I was single as I knew they wouldn't approve, and right now it would confuse them more than anything.

However if my kids ever came out, I'll be damned if I don't end out coming out to them as well, showing just how much I understand and support them.

[Long Duck Dong]

my family disowned their daughter, skye for being a bisexual ( later lesbian ) and being hiv pos..... I am adopted and yet they accept me, not my sexuality....

its something that needs no apology, no change of heart from them, as its too late to say sorry to skye, she passed on a few years ago..... and the hurt and loss I feel, is unequaled, as I lost more than a sister, I lost a person that was like my guardian angel, supporter and chief butt kicker ( namely mine lol ).... its torn the family apart with a rift that will never be repaired...

I know that a lot of dreams died with skye, the idea of grandchildren, seeing her get married, having a successful daughter to talk about etc....but she was their daughter first, their flesh and blood....and to me, so much more

the father needs to realise that one day, they may reach out in need for their son... and their son may not be there to take their hand....it may only be then that the father realises the truth of his own actions......I hope he realises sooner rather than learns later, that a son is a son and part of the family......

[DuckiesDarling]

The sad truth is that some parents are just not capable of the unconditional love, it's why so many children are abused. They are treated as possessions rather than family members and any disappointment is met with over the top reactions. Any man can be a sperm donor and that makes him a father, it doesn't make him a Dad. The same with mothers can carry children but it doesn't make them Mom. I would have no problems accepting any of my three boys if they wind up non hetero, but I am not sure my parents could. They have gotten better in recent years as my aunt's sister is in a lesbian relationship and they talk about them as a couple not a roomate.

[jem_is_bi]

I am almost 65 now and never "come out" to my father. He definitely would not support me if I came out to him. I would not be suprised if he became somewhat hostile and even removed from his will. I am definitely sure he would believe that I wil definitely land in hell and deserve to be there.
Nevertheless, he has done very much to help all his children and I love him and do not want to cause him that kind of pain. No one is perfect, not him or me.

[void()]

Once missed an opportunity to accept a career / occupation that would have in effect guaranteed my haste to death. At the time my rationale was needing to say good bye to mom. Within the past year she told me a few different times, I should have simply went ahead and taken the opportunity. From my understanding of it, she sees me as being dead to her. She is bi as well, hence this has nothing to do with sexuality. It does relate in me being capable of understanding and having empathy in being disowned by a parent. What else do you call it when a mother tells her first born son, he would be better off likely dead?

[Realist]

These posts bring back memories for me, too.

My parents were very inflexible, in their convictions and morals, and also would have surely disowned me if they'd known I was bisexual. The potential turmoil in my family would ensure that I'd always be secretive and ultra-cautious all my life.

Being in the military, working for the government, were other places I surely would have been rejected, if they'd known.

In a similar situation as Void, my 1st wife was bisexual, but had strong convictions that it wasn't "natural" for a male to be! I accepted it and loved her enough to attempt to put my attractions for men away. I was successful and didn't stray, but did have to fight temptations during that marriage.

[darkeyes]

From Canada's The Globe and Mail newspaper...

On Tuesday, a handwritten letter (http://imgur.com/pCrHU) was posted to Reddit, the social news sharing site, under the title "5 years ago, I was disowned via letter when I came out to my father. This is how hate sounds."

Seemingly written by a father to his gay son James, the words are damning and hurtful.

"I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle," the letter reads, before proceeding to inform James that he is no longer welcome in the family home. "Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No communications at all."

More... (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/fathers-letter-disowning-gay-son-goes-viral/article4469119/)

Thankfully, my coming out was the exact opposite - nothing but support.

- Drew :paw:
I have read this man's letter to his son time and again and it is heartbreaking.. and yet within in it see no hate for his son. Hate for what his son is, but not for the son himself.. sadness and disappointment that his son has become something he hates. Its wording is more an effort to bring his son to his "senses" as I read it. Blackmail if u like for that is just what it is...I am not trying to excuse the father his bigotry or his actions in disowning his son, but there is real sadness and heartbreak contained in the letter, and there are two more victims of heart rending homophobia.. probably others since there is no mention of mother and siblings..

[tenni]

I suspect that the father will experience profound sadness in the future. Although not disowning her I have written a letter expressing my thoughts to a sibbling after years of reaching out to her to only be rejected. Her husband has told her to have nothing to do with me after I supportrd her when she left him after decades of abuse. She went back to him. My other sister and I have had to step away. I expressed my sadness to her and told her that she did not love me. That is how I felt. I saw a picture of her a week ago on herdaughter's Facebook page. Itcaused an emotional pain. There is nothing that I can do but go on and be happy with the family that does not reject.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

No one in my family ever knew. My Mom was accepting of my nephew being Gay, but I dont know how she would have felt about having a Bi-Daughter. To me, it was just something that she didnt need to be burdened with, with being so ill with cancer. My kids dont know, they dont Need to. I dont question their sex life, then dont question mine, and thats fine by me..:}
But I've seen this happen more and more: Parents rejecting their own children on the basis of their sexuality, and its so sad and ridiculous. I hope this Father(and countless others) sees someday what a huge mistake he made...:(
Cat

[Annika L]

Its wording is more an effort to bring his son to his "senses" as I read it. Blackmail if u like for that is just what it is...I am not trying to excuse the father his bigotry or his actions in disowning his son, but there is real sadness and heartbreak contained in the letter

Fran I must disagree that the letter is trying to bring the son to his senses. The letter says "Good-bye"...there is no mention of "unless you turn from this path" or "I'll always be here for you if you shape up". It's basically saying "I hate what you've become and refuse to have any further truck with you. Go to hell...and have a nice day."

Maybe this letter cuts close to home for us...my partner's parents have been *rather* nasty, and don't want to see her unless she pretends to be who they want her to be. Fortunately, we both have my parents, who have consistently been incredibly supportive. But she and I agree that anyone who can do this to their child is a poor soul indeed...the very dregs of humanity.

[DuckiesDarling]

I suspect that the father will experience profound sadness in the future. Although not disowning her I have written a letter expressing my thoughts to a sibbling after years of reaching out to her to only be rejected. Her husband has told her to have nothing to do with me after I supportrd her when she left him after decades of abuse. She went back to him. My other sister and I have had to step away. I expressed my sadness to her and told her that she did not love me. That is how I felt. I saw a picture of her a week ago on herdaughter's Facebook page. Itcaused an emotional pain. There is nothing that I can do but go on and be happy with the family that does not reject.

Tenni, personal issues aside, my heart goes out to you and your other sister over this.

[darkeyes]

Fran I must disagree that the letter is trying to bring the son to his senses. The letter says "Good-bye"...there is no mention of "unless you turn from this path" or "I'll always be here for you if you shape up". It's basically saying "I hate what you've become and refuse to have any further truck with you. Go to hell...and have a nice day."

Maybe this letter cuts close to home for us...my partner's parents have been *rather* nasty, and don't want to see her unless she pretends to be who they want her to be. Fortunately, we both have my parents, who have consistently been incredibly supportive. But she and I agree that anyone who can do this to their child is a poor soul indeed...the very dregs of humanity.
Of course u may be right Annika... but in my eyes there are little hints and familiarities contained which do not tell me that dad hates son.. it does say "Good-bye", but it also to me at least also says "the door is open if u stop playing silly buggers". Only one person knows the real answer to that and maybe not even him...but it is saying what you say it is but it is also saying "unless you un-become it."

[darkeyes]

Tenni, I know just what u must feel for I too was estranged from my elder brother from the day I announced to my family my sexuality... I did not expect his reaction and I wept floods of tears for the words he used and his refusal to so much as speak to me except in the most terse and vile terms... being young I also said many things which were equally terse and we just avoided each other until the day came when he left home. For many years my childhood best friend, tormentor and protector had become as far away from me as it is possible to be. Sometimes it is best to stand back and allow things to be and hope that time will heal. It did in our case and several years ago our estrangement began to heal as both he and I began to understand each other better, and he himself as he came to terms with his demons... we are about back to where we were on that fateful day all those years ago, and as close if not closer than we have ever been.

Reconciliation is not inevitable but I truly hope the day will come when you and your sister are able once again to become what brothers and sisters should be. Don't close the door for the day may come when she will need you and and who knows when u may need her she will come running when u least expect it. Sometimes we must just let things lie and occasionally the period of sad calm is what we need to help with the healing.

[Paddarick69]

I can understand maybe not accepting your child's sexual orientation - it can be too great a leap for some people to handle and you can't change that about them... but how the fuck do you stop loving your son??? the world can sit and debate all day how God wants people to live their lives but if you're a Christian, at least, there's a line in your scripture: "God is love"... ruminate as much on that as you do any prohibitions against the gay and you just might begin to walk in Christ's footsteps... sad for the son, even sadder for the father

[tenni]

Thanks dark and DD. I don't think that this is due to my sexuality like the father in the letter. This started way back when my sister was just 14 and my father let my now brother in law go on what my father thought would be one date. This led to a planned pregnancy at 16 by my sister and marriage. Three children by 20 and rejection of our family values. It caused sorrow for my parents when they were alive. When she finally left, she cried to us asking how many years did she have to pay forgetting pregnant. My father had said to her at 17 that she made her bed and would have to sleep in it. We told her that he would never have wanted her to put up with what she told us she did. The sexual and psychological abuse shocked us. She stayed with my other sister and created a lot of issues for my other sister.My other sister came to discover how severely emotionally damaged she is. Both she and husband are extremely emotionally disfunctioal. My other sister and I see that we made a mistake in bringing her into our homes. We should have had her go to Women' s Shelter as we did not realize that she was only emotionally the age of about a 14 year old..age when all of this started. She didn't think that she needed help once she was away from him. He somehow convinced her to return.

Its a different rejection than the OP but all family rejections are tragic. I hope that the son has a better time than myfamily has had.

[Randypan]

My parents disowned my sister 25 years ago for having the bad taste of marrying a black man. They have never seen their beautiful grand daughter and they live in the same city. They disowned me for getting a divorce. We did not speak for 10 years until I accidentally discovered I was adopted by my father (I found this out when I was 42). They are both extreme bigots and I would never think about coming out to them. Hell I can't even tell them that I am also a card carrying nudist.

[Annika L]

As a bi-father, I never came out to my parents when I was single as I knew they wouldn't approve, and right now it would confuse them more than anything.

This is the hugely frustrating "coming out" issue for monogamous bisexuals. One the one hand, it feels like a lie to let people think I'm lesbian. On the other hand, correcting that misperception seems to lead to so much confusion: men think I'm available, people doubt our fidelity or our commitment...in general, the attitude seems to be "why let us know you're bisexual if you're going to act like a lesbian?" Um, truth? Honesty? Disrupting stereotypes?

Sorry this is off-topic for the thread...just saw Joe's statement, and it resonated in a way I felt a need to point out.

[innaminka]

Parents are one thing - my greatest fear was the reaction of my children when it came time to lay it all on the line.
I could live (just) with my Mum's rejection (Dad has passed on) but if my daughters did the same ...................

Fortunately (no not fortunately - predictably) my "change of status" was accepted without demur. I was 99% certain that would be their reaction, but there was still that 1%.......

But then I/we do not live in a society riddled with bigotry and ignorance.