sad dreamer needs some input!!

[blueeyed_blondie]

Hello:) I have not been this site in a while it is good to be back! I need some serious advice. I am in a long term comitted 3 year relationship with talk of marriage in the near future. I am generally happy in our relationship and I love my partner dearly but here's the problem. I am currently working a deadend minimum wage job with miserable people and my family is abusive and I'm feeling trapped I've been having panic attacks daily and need some change in my life. I have been dreaming about traveling to italy and going back to continue my education there.The program that I want to study is not offered in the universities in my province and my relatives whom I have never met all live in italy. There is a school in florence that offers my program and I feel it would be an amazing opportunity to get away, explore a new country, meet me relatives and further my studies for better job prospects. The issue, my partner will not go with me he has no desire to travel or move for the respect and is not willing to even consider it. I'm so torn because it is something I really want to do and I feel it would help me grow and hopefully help me find myself in this lost world. I don't know if this is just some early mid-life crisis or if my parner is just being selfish for not considering my needs or I am for suggesting this idea I've been dreaming of? Please offer some insight, thanks.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am 40 and most of my life have been lived for the sake of others..... I talk at times about how I would have loved to live parts of my life for me..... then I stop and take stock of what dreams I had, that I wanted to live....and realise I have done all of them.... well most of them....

that is generally the key to deciding your future.... you can plan it for yourself or you and your partner... but if your partner is no longer there.... what happens to your future

you are doing the wise thing.... you are looking seriously at your future for yourself, alone and with a partner..... good move, very good move.....

is your partner being selfish... well thats a personal viewpoint.... what I am seeing is a partner that is content with what they have in their life.... and thats not selfish.... but its a type of blindness.....

my advice to people is to think about their own future, what they want out of life, what dreams they have.... and then look at the partner around them... IE your partner.... and if your partner is content with what they have, are they really going to be interested in exploring new horizons that benefit you both as people and as a couple.....

it can end up feeling like if a beautiful house was on offer for free, you would not have your partners support to go live in it, as they would be happy in a rented apartment... so you can end up living your life for them......

love is a beautiful thing but it can being a cage as well....

and its your call, my dear.... what will you do if your relationship failed, regret the future you never lived or risk the future you have for the future you can have......

[darkeyes]

This is a big thing you are asking of your partner.. so I understand his point of view. To uproot from verything you know and move to a country which speaks a different language, has a very different culture and is on a different continent. I think you need to sit back and think things through a little..

Let me say here and now, I understand what you want to do.. and why. To dream as you do is a great thing.. I am a dreamer myself so understand the wants and needs of a dreamer.. but this is no little thing you ask of a partner...

You are on a minimum wage and have not said what resources you have to finance this dream.. what your partner's prospects of employment would be in this foreign country, for I can tell you now, Italy, like most of Europe has enough trouble finding employment for its own citizens as well as citizens of other EU countries who have a right to live and work there. Italy is not a cheap country in which to live, and Florence not one of the cheapest parts of that not cheap country.. that you have family may be a good thing, and helpful but what part are they expected, if any to play in living your dream? If you are not European citizen, you will be required to pay fees for your course which EU citizens do not and a university Education is does not come cheap.. you mention going back.. does that mean you are from Italy and remain an Italian and EU citizen? If so this should reduce education costs greatly but will still not be a cheap thing to do.

You mention your family being abusive.. I'm not sure why you mention this or whether it is relevant. If your family is Italian, are your Italian relatives likely to be also quite abusive? If they are in contact with your own family will that not play a part in how they receive you? Italians are big into family and often small into receiving stray prodigal sheep back into their number.

I am not trying to put a damper on your dream.. merely trying to make you stand back a while and look at its reality by questioning what you may face and what you may lose. I understand your partner's reluctance, and we have no information as to why he is so intransigent, but if it is at all feasible, and you have the wherewithall, then I wouldn't hesitate to go with my partner if that was her wish, or at the very least, allow her to live and fulfill that dream by going alone and with me holding the shop while she did that which was so dear to her. In her own way, she did exactly that for me, and if in my case it did not involve being away from home, that was circumstance.. but if it was feasible, we had the resources I could do no less for her. Whether that would involve uprooting us all or her moving abroad would have to be decided.. but whatever we decided.. I would move heaven and earth to make sure she lived her dream..

In the end you will have to decide what is right for you.. being deprived of a dream for whatever reason involves risk... risk of rising bitterness as time passes.. risk of a break up of relationship.. what you have to decide is what is most important to you? As does he as it happens.. love is a two way thing.. doing our own thing willy nilly, or crushing the dream of another whether or not realisation of that dream is both affordable and realistic holds great risks for both of you.. just how deeply embedded in your soul is this dream? And how deeply embedded is love of partner? It may be that something will have to be surrendered.. I hope not..:)

[bityme]

Hello:) I have not been this site in a while it is good to be back! I need some serious advice. I am in a long term comitted 3 year relationship with talk of marriage in the near future. I am generally happy in our relationship and I love my partner dearly but here's the problem. I am currently working a deadend minimum wage job with miserable people and my family is abusive and I'm feeling trapped I've been having panic attacks daily and need some change in my life. I have been dreaming about traveling to italy and going back to continue my education there.The program that I want to study is not offered in the universities in my province and my relatives whom I have never met all live in italy. There is a school in florence that offers my program and I feel it would be an amazing opportunity to get away, explore a new country, meet me relatives and further my studies for better job prospects. The issue, my partner will not go with me he has no desire to travel or move for the respect and is not willing to even consider it. I'm so torn because it is something I really want to do and I feel it would help me grow and hopefully help me find myself in this lost world. I don't know if this is just some early mid-life crisis or if my parner is just being selfish for not considering my needs or I am for suggesting this idea I've been dreaming of? Please offer some insight, thanks.

It is often very difficult to respond to a request like yours. It appears, however, that you already have the answer but are looking for additional support before you announce your decision. If you take a good look at what you wrote, it really tells us where you are coming from and where you want to go.


Hello:) I am currently working a deadend minimum wage job with miserable people and my family is abusive and I'm feeling trapped I've been having panic attacks daily and need some change in my life.

I think anyone who felt abused and trapped with daily panic attacks would be in need of change, something you recognize already.


Hello:) I have been dreaming about traveling to italy and going back to continue my education there. The program that I want to study is not offered in the universities in my province and my relatives whom I have never met all live in italy. There is a school in florence that offers my program and I feel it would be an amazing opportunity to get away, explore a new country, meet me relatives and further my studies for better job prospects.

Everyone has dreams, but when you couple those with the prospect of fulfillment, particularly in a way that offers something you truly desire, the dream becomes a basis for goal setting. It would appear that taking the next step and embarking on the exploration that would make you feel better about yourself and give you greater opportunities would be the logical move.

What seems to be holding you back is your current relationship.


Hello:) The issue, my partner will not go with me he has no desire to travel or move for the respect and is not willing to even consider it. I'm so torn because it is something I really want to do and I feel it would help me grow and hopefully help me find myself in this lost world.

You don't address how, or even if, your partner is helping you deal with the abuse, feeling trapped and the panic attacks. If you have been in a three-year relationship with the possibility of marriage and it is really working, one would think that you would be getting some real support from your partner. Yet you feel lost, and want to find yourself.

You have not yet made a commitment of marriage. The question is, all things considered, who should be the most important person in your life at present.

One of the lessons I feel I have learned in life, although others may disagree, is that we are all individuals. No one else completes us. If we feel change is necessary in our lives, we must make that change, no one else can do it for us. While others may be compatible with us, we still have to be happy with ourselves. Once we take on a commitment to another person, making changes becomes much more difficult and our lives more complicated.

Only you can make a decision about what is best for you. Your post seems to indicate that moving to Italy and undertaking the course of study is what you really want. If that is what you feel you need to be happy with yourself and fulfill your dreams, I would ask "When is the Bon Voyage Party?"

Certainly, leaving means the end of your current relationship and you have to decide whether you could be happy in your current situation with the prospects of it becoming permanent by committing yourself to a marriage in the near future.

Wishing the best for you,

Pappy

[dickhand]

By all means go ! You have a wonderful opportunity here and you should take it . You only live once and life is too short not to make the most of it .

[Realist]

As one who has sacrificed many of his dreams, I'd agree with those who say you should follow yours.

Every day, I lament failing to follow through with past plans, that I dropped because of various reasons.

When you get older, like me, you will have time to reflect back on your successes and failures. I'm afraid your mistakes, failures, and unfulfilled dreams will come back to haunt you.

Oh, I've had some successes, lived some dreams, and have seen some amazing sights....... but, if I had been true to myself, I would have gone much farther.

I went to college at 30 and, after graduation, my whole world changed for the better. If I hadn't done that, I would have still been relegated to menial, low-paying jobs, too.

If you have an opportunity, grab that dream and fly with it!

[void()]

Pappy, that was a great and well crafted response. It has given me cause to reflect and consider life. I too am facing a phase of tough choices and radical changes, presently. Thank you for your sage response here. :)

[bizel]

hey lost soul, you hit a nerve. i have lived my whole life for my family. i arranged out move to another country with most of my family (but the country speaks the same language). my siblings have always done whatever they wanted while i felt more responsible and took off when they wanted while i did what i thought needed to be done. this is why i'm now nursing my ailing mother. i'm also married for 11yrs to a man who has just admitted he's bisexual. i have decided that when my mother's time is up, i am driving a day and a half into the bush to do an art course. the first 'selfish' thing i have ever done for myself. i told my hubby and he says it's a great idea. he wants me to do this for myself. for me it's a big step. but i love big steps into the unknown. moving to australia was one. moving from sydney to queensland without a job or idea with my mother when she was developing parkinson's disease was another (we co-owned a flat in sydney but she couldn't live there anymore cos of her disease so we decided to live where we holidayed and were happiest). now i'm frustrated cos she is so ill i am stuck and can't 'leap' - but i have my plan for afterwards and that keeps me going. these leaps of faith have always ended with me landing on my feet and discovering the joy of the unknown. they always work out. i don't understand it, it just works. i know that when i cling to a situation, job or whatever, i get unhappy and frustrated and start to hate the world. when i trust 'my guardian angel', and try something completely new, i feel liberated, happy and satisfied. all i can say is, yes it's scary but feel the fear and do it anyway. i have no regrets. don't believe in them. i have learnt from every move and it has made me stronger. life is for living, not just surviving and going through the motions. if your partner truly loves you, he will understand this is what you need (if he doesn't it's cos he are seeing it purely from his own point of view and not from what you need). if your partner wants you happy, he needs to let you do this. if you come back to him, you two will be richer for it. i say, live your life without regrets. if you can afford it, do it. if you can't, save and then do it. big hug, b.

[DuckiesDarling]

Hello:) I have not been this site in a while it is good to be back! I need some serious advice. I am in a long term comitted 3 year relationship with talk of marriage in the near future. I am generally happy in our relationship and I love my partner dearly but here's the problem. I am currently working a deadend minimum wage job with miserable people and my family is abusive and I'm feeling trapped I've been having panic attacks daily and need some change in my life. I have been dreaming about traveling to italy and going back to continue my education there.The program that I want to study is not offered in the universities in my province and my relatives whom I have never met all live in italy. There is a school in florence that offers my program and I feel it would be an amazing opportunity to get away, explore a new country, meet me relatives and further my studies for better job prospects. The issue, my partner will not go with me he has no desire to travel or move for the respect and is not willing to even consider it. I'm so torn because it is something I really want to do and I feel it would help me grow and hopefully help me find myself in this lost world. I don't know if this is just some early mid-life crisis or if my parner is just being selfish for not considering my needs or I am for suggesting this idea I've been dreaming of? Please offer some insight, thanks.

The part that struck me the most was "My partner has no desire to travel or move for the respect" It seems as though it's not your partner can't, he won't. So do it. There are always things in life you will look back on and regret if you don't try. Right now you are miserable, just making the decision and planning to go will help with the panic attacks. I wish I knew you had a place to be safe from the abuse until you do leave. I wish you luck,honey. Follow your dreams, if it's really love with your partner then at some point you will hook back up but I'd set him and yourself free before you leave. That way if you meet a nice Italian Stallion then you can enjoy him to your heart's content.

[MikeyAndSam]

Mike here, I'd say do it. My only basis on recommending you to go is a personal experience I had. Long story short, I came back to Sam after four weeks without contact and even though he was crushed because he did not choose to go, our attitudes toward each other changed for the better. It seems that your partner has forgotten the most important part of being a couple, In my opinion. That is, to let the other one follow their dreams, to support them. If your partner denies you even that, then they may not be the right one.

Good luck, ~! Mikey H.

[mikey3000]

I also say go. Open your world. I had big dreams too at one time, but let most of them slide for one reason or another. Now I feel it's too late for me and the boat to life has left. It's not a nice feeling. If you are meant to be with your partner, it'll still happen, but an oppourtunity like this might never come again.

Run and fly!!!

[Hephaestion]

What is in Florence that will provide the break with your current situation and what is your "program"?

I agree mostly with what Darkeyes says while Bizel's situation sounds strangely familiar.

Is this a LIFO vs FILO outlook clash?

[NotLostJustWandering]

I agree with the dominant sentiment of this thread, while noting the wisdom of darkeyes' questions, and your silence in the face of them.

If my experience matches your situation, then your need to make a move is a real thing and your desire to run off to Italy is coming from your innermost wisdom, which says grow or die. But Italy itself is a chimera. It won't work out except to broaden your horizons and maybe give you a better idea of where you should go or ought to do. You could find this out the hard way, or do a bit more practical research into where a more suitable place might be, which may or may not help you, but by all means make a move.

My story is that I insisted bf and I accept his family and friend's invitation and move to Australia. Thought it would breathe new life into our relationship, but the whole thing was a disaster, I couldn't find enough work to support myself, and we wound up breaking up and I wound up leaving the country. But I had to do it to move on in life, and leaving my lover was part of it. From Australia I went to Hawaii, and from there one door opened after another, my life became a lot more interesting, and I've more or less been a wanderer ever since.

I also have a gut feeling that the marriage is a chimera, too. Maybe it's that there's just too much going on wrong in your life that the idea of marriage sounds like a fantasy castle to me. Could be wrong, but for what it's worth, this is what I'm feeling.

Be brave, take care of yourself and good luck.

[NotLostJustWandering]

Another thing: there's only so much you can find out about a place without actually going there. I had no idea when I set out to the Middle East that I could flout the law and run a cash business plying my craft as a massage therapist here. And I really doubt that any degree of internet and book sleuthing could have turned that up for me.

It's the things that happen on the way that give the journey its meaning. The spark that sets you out disappears, you wander for lack of anything else to do, and then the wondrous finds you.